BLACK II
by adVENTitiious
Summary: Sirius Black. A story of striving to be a good person and never giving up despite how unattainable it might seem. School years 5-7. Part II of a 240k word story. Warnings: Dark moments, abuse, violence, angst, dusting of StarBucks, hatable protagonist at times and mature scenes. Genres: Angst, Romance, Friendship and Humor. [Sirius Black/Remus Lupin] [Sirius Black/Zabini Sr.]
1. Chapter 1

**BLACK II**

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><p>Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.<p>

Author's Story Note: This is the intro to Part 2 (if you are a new reader, you should probably read Part 1 first, unless you'd rather not). Please note the main genre change from friendship to angst.

Story Beta Work: cathartic

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><p><strong>- Chapter 1 -<strong>

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><p>Grey eyes opened slowly, the morning light creeping in above tightly pulled red curtains and brightening their muted color to a bright crimson at the edges. Muscles stretched and then relaxed, and a groaning yawn fell from parted lips, filling the quiet space.<p>

"You awake?"

Sirius grinned at the sleep-laden voice beside him and turned to meet soft hazel eyes framed by bed-mussed sandy locks. He shifted onto his side and slid closer.

"Morning Moony," he greeted lazily, his words muffling at the end as his lips made contact with deliciously warm skin. Remus was always warm. He hummed, the appreciative noise reverberating in his chest, at the fact as he nestled his cooler body closer. He loved that. Love. He smiled again, happiness warming him from the inside as he pressed against the heated werewolf, the combination making him feel toasty and a little like he was floating as the night before refreshed itself in his mind. Remus loved him.

"Love you Remus," he murmured against his neck.

"I love you too Sirius," Remus replied in almost a whisper, his tone genuine but a little off, maybe a little - relieved?

"Good," Sirius said shortly, Remus chuckling in response, and he moved closer, his lower body that is, groaning deeply at the contact. "_Remus_..."

"Sirius... Sirius don't, not right now," Remus said, his words a little uneven, hands coming up to hold back Sirius's hips that had just pressed up against him, his morning arousal greeting him and making itself very known. "We're- we're going to miss breakfast."

"I'm not hungry," Sirius replied obstinately and then began to nibble on his neck, eliciting a few curses from a clearly struggling Remus. "Not for food anyway," he added with a sly grin, and then his fingers began to slide down the werewolf's tone stomach, teasingly.

"Hey guys, get—_Holy shit_, is that all you two do?"

Sirius groaned internally and quite possibly externally too, his hand stopping but fingers latching on stubbornly to pajama pants even as Remus tried to put space between them. His gaze cut up sharply to a surprised but mostly amused James, the wizard standing fully dressed in a hoodie and jeans as he held the curtains pulled back, Peter making the smarter decision and slowly backing away. He growled when James lifted an unimpressed eyebrow at his warning glare. "Merlin James, get the fuck out!"

James let loose an unaffected laugh as Remus removed Sirius's hand, pushing himself up, a flush crawling up the back of his neck as he spoke. "I'm going to jump in the shower, I'll meet you guys in the Great Hall," he mumbled before pushing all the way off Sirius's bed and making his way to his own bed to grab a shirt he had left there, pulling it over his head as he made his way for the bathroom door.

Sirius watched, his mood dipping drastically as the door swung shut, Remus leaving him behind without another word. His bed then dropped, the action almost mocking as James plopped down.

"Now I see why you never made a show to the party last night, in hindsight I should've known better than to send Remus up," James said with a shit-eating grin, smacking Sirius in the back of the head when he dropped his face into his pillow. "Cheer up mate, you'll have plenty of time to shag Remus later after the Hogsmeade trip."

Sirius mumbled curses at his alleged best friend into his pillow. He had ruined his morning, not to mention that his over assumption was slightly hard on Sirius's ego. He and Remus hadn't shagged yet, and probably weren't about to either. And not because he didn't want to, because he did - more than anything. But he didn't want to push things, and he didn't know if Remus was ready yet, and he had told Remus he would wait until he said he was. And Remus hadn't said he was yet, and he was okay with that, he _was_, but he wasn't okay being reminded it, especially not by the messy-haired bloody bastard who had just scared off Remus. He groaned against the silky pillowcase. Stupid James. Stupid fucking James.

"Come on, don't be such a spoil sport, you've been acting so down lately."

Sirius groaned again in response, but its previously lamenting tone gone, replaced by a harder emotion. Maybe he had been, but it hadn't been an act. James's words from days before flashed through his mind, and his dipping mood crashed hard. Is that what his best friend really thought about dark-magic wizards? That they were hopeless, inevitable lost causes? Did he think Remus would wise up too, like Evans? And if so, why the hell was he even his friend? "Fuck off James," he growled.

The bed shifted at his side, and he felt a body settle beside him. He turned his head slowly to find James lying on his back, his gaze trained on the ceiling. His eyes narrowed. "You know you're probably lying on jizz," he said harshly.

James waved a hand dismissively and then placed both hands behind his head, shifting himself around as if he were making himself comfortable. "Nah, Remus is too clean for that, I'm sure he tidied up."

Sirius dropped his face back into his pillow. He was right.

"Guys... I'm going to go grab us some food before they clear the trays," Peter said in what Sirius thought was an unduly nervous voice, James responded his assent before the door to their dorm opened and then closed with a click.

"Are you going to talk to me?" The words more hesitant, now that they were alone.

Sirius didn't respond.

James let out a huff. "Sirius, I _really_ don't know what I did. But obviously, I did _something_ because you're fine with Pete, and you and Remus have been shagging like bloody rabbits, so it's not him either. But you've said barely anything to me other than to 'sod off' the past few days. So what'd I do?"

Sirius considered telling him to sod off again. He knew for a fact that even though James was a persistent stubborn arsehole, he did get rather annoyed if he was rejected enough. Probably something to do with being coddled so much as a child, because he really didn't like being disregarded. And it was likely most of the reason, if Sirius had to call it, why Evans kept turning him down as of recent, because she was obviously attracted to him, but he always got terribly put out and snappy when she'd even act like she might say no—Well, that and the fact he was a bit of a git too probably wasn't helping. He huffed into the pillow and rolled onto his back. "Remus and I aren't shagging," he stated for some reason.

James hummed by his side. "Sorry mate," he said, his tone subdued.

Sirius shrugged. And then they both lay, looking up at the poster plastered over his wall. "Listen. It's nothing James," he finally said quietly, wishing it were the truth, "I'm just being a bit of a bitch. You know how I get."

James didn't reply for a few moments, but then he said in a tired sounding voice, "Don't lie to me Sirius, I'm not an idiot, I've done something, and I just wish you'd tell me already."

Sirius felt the urge to do just that, the want, the need, pushing at his chest and trying to force the words out. That he had always hoped that James accepted him for how he was, thought of him like a brother, and that he'd be there for him no matter what, that it was unconditional - but that now he was beginning to have his doubts about their friendship, not to mention his and Remus's, like all of his relationships were just tied to a ticking time bomb. And he didn't know when it was going to go off.

He pushed himself up abruptly, climbing over James's legs, biting back the words that were clawing at his chest. "I've told you, it's _nothing_," he said firmly and then let out a laugh that was more clipped and much drier than he had meant. He shook his head angrily at himself and turned to his trunk, rummaging for clothes. "Stop being such a bird all the time," he added, forcing it out in a lighter tone.

He ignored his friend's quiet gaze, dropping his pants and then stepping into a pair of dark grey slacks, tugging them up and continuing to avoid him as he did the buttons up. He stepped into a pair of shoes. "Did you finally talk Evans into Hogsmeade?" he asked with an air of nonchalance, grabbing a black button-up and shrugging it on as he worked to clear his mind of the depressing thoughts James had dredged back up. It wouldn't do to think about it, he just needed to be careful was all.

James let out a boisterous laugh at the question and jumped off the bed. "How'd you know? Did Remus tell you?" he asked excitedly, his mood visibly lifting by leaps and bounds.

Sirius stopped at his buttons, dark eyebrows shooting up, his surprised gaze lifting to meet James's eager one. "Really? She actually said _yes_?" he asked with no small amount of incredulity. "You sure she just wasn't really pissed up?"

James rolled his eyes and shoved him in the shoulder lightly. "You're such an arse, she wasn't even drinking." He then sniffed as he nodded rather proudly at his success, a crooked smile playing at his lips. "Seems she just couldn't resist the Potter charm anymore."

Sirius let out a laugh of disbelief, shaking his head as he finished the buttons to his shirt, leaving the last two undone. He dropped his trunk lid, forgoing a tie. "Well done, mate," he said, clapping a smug James on the back, the wizard throwing an arm around his shoulder in return and pulling him towards the door.

"Yeah, look at us, I've got Lily and you've got Moony. Just wait Padfoot, things are only going to get better here on out," he said with a huge grin and twinkling hazel eyes that made Sirius almost believe what he was saying. Almost.

Sirius forcefully buried the seed of doubt and let out an easy barking laugh as they made their way out of the room. "Yeah, yeah Prongs, for sure," he said, James's arm still draped across his shoulders as they descended the stairway.


	2. Chapter 2

**- Chapter 2 -**

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><p>"Ah, Messr Moony, I thought I might find you here." Sirius grinned down at the sandy blond sitting on the floor in the farthest back corner of the library as he stood in dress slacks and a nice button up, ready for their first outing as a couple. "What are you doing here? Everyone's left for Hogsmeade, I waited at the front door for you after breakfast."<p>

Remus looked up, meeting his gaze. He closed the book in his lap. "Oh, I didn't know we were going together," he said in a careful voice.

Sirius let out a laugh and lowered down beside the werewolf, moving the book to the floor and replacing it with his head instead. He looked up into somewhat amused hazel eyes. "Of course we are. We're together now, why wouldn't we?"

Remus nodded. "Yeah, I guess." He leaned back against the wall behind him, scooting down a little, and Sirius rolled onto his side and wrapped his arms around his waist, hugging him. "So, I've been meaning to ask you-" Remus cut off, his hand finding Sirius's dark locks, eliciting a happy hum.

"Shoot," Sirius mumbled between quickly relaxing lips.

Long fingers raked through black silky locks. "You and us. I know we're together, but how do you want to do this exactly?"

Sirius frowned even as his eyes closed under the relaxing touch. How did he want to do this? "Remus, you ask the oddest questions," he said drowsily, the werewolf's touch making him consider a nap.

"Git." Remus laughed softly and tugged at his locks playfully and then sighed, the sound not overly happy. "I'm just saying, I know your family isn't the easiest to deal with, and I don't want to cause any... trouble or anything between you and your family."

Sirius's frown deepened. "Don't worry about my family."

"Well, okay... but I can't not worry about you. So, I mean, maybe we should probably keep us a secret? Just act like friends when it's not just us, you know?"

Sirius's arms loosened around Remus's waist as he thought. A secret. It made sense. He didn't like the idea of having to hide their relationship, but he had toyed with the same thought himself, not that he was worried about himself. But he didn't want his family to find out because he _was_ concerned they might take it out on the sandy blond beside him. His father had alluded to knowing of Remus's condition, and he couldn't help but think his flippant disregard towards the werewolf could be just as bad as it was good.

"Yeah, maybe that's a good idea. For a while at least," he hedged.

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><p>Sirius grinned sheepishly at the Slytherin standing at their usual table in potions class the first week in March. "Sorry I'm late, got a little sidetracked this morning." It wasn't a lie, he had gotten very distracted in the shower after seeing a not-so-dressed Remus walk by and had had to wait for the shared bathroom to clear out so he could address the issue.<p>

He was getting more and more worked up thinking about him and Remus in possible different positions. They needed to have more alone time before Sirius exploded. But that was proving rather difficult with the werewolf studying late almost every night since February with Evans in preparation for Owls, James joining them sometimes just to be near the witch, who had refused to date him again after he had hexed Snape for a laugh on their first one, right in front of her.

Greg shot him an answering smirk and then his gaze shifted back down as he continued to cut up the wortsroot he was working on, their cauldron still empty. "No problem."

Sirius set his bag down, glanced over at Remus, who was ignoring a chattering James at his shoulder as he worked with Evans, both their partners missing from class. He looked back over at the Slytherin. "Oh hey, heard about your brother leaving the family business to go professional with his Quidditch. Congratulations on being the new Zabini heir."

Greg stopped and looked up. "Thanks Sirius," he said with a genuine smile.

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, no problem mate, I didn't get you anything though. Seeing as how we're not, you know," he said with an easy shrug.

Greg laughed, scooping up the prepared ingredients from the table to drop them into their cauldron. "Yeah, we definitely aren't shagging anymore," he said with a wry edge.

Sirius grimaced internally. "Sorry. I didn't mean it that way." He chanced a glance back over to Remus, the werewolf not meeting his gaze but looking rather unhappy for someone who was scooping out rose thorns. Shit. Remus's hearing was far too good.

"No I know," the Slytherin said, turning the page of his book and checking something before murmuring a heat incantation on the bottom of their cauldron. "I'm having a party tonight. Just a few people," he paused, looking up again. "Would you want to come, you and Remus, and James and Peter?"

"Yeah? Where at, Slytherin common room?" Sirius asked, chewing on the inside of his cheek as he pulled out his own potions book.

"No, Quidditch pitch."

"Ah."

"We're just going to drink and whatnot, nothing formal." Greg reached across to grab a vial filled with a cloudy blue liquid, his arm grazing lightly across Sirius's stomach as he did.

Sirius took a quick step back, clearing his throat when his body responded to the touch somewhat. He let out a quiet laugh. He needed to get Remus alone and soon. "Ah, you sure you want us to come?"

Brown eyes flicked up, meeting his. "Yeah, unless you don't feel comfortable with it."

Sirius found himself shaking his head. "No, no I'll come, I'll talk to the guys."

Greg smiled at him. "All right. Sounds good." He then moved back to his side and began to pour dish after dish into the cauldron. "You know, I'm going to replace you with a different partner one of these weeks if you're not more useful again soon, Sirius."

Sirius let out a laugh, feeling himself relax. He patted the wizard on the back beside him. "No you won't, you'd miss me too much."

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><p>"So... Zabini's throwing a party tonight. I told him we'd come," Sirius said as he stood by his trunk after dinner, searching for the firewhiskey bottles he had put an undetectable spell on because of the increased security at the school since Christmas break.<p>

"Greg?" James asked with interest, the wizard lying on his bed, tossing a black and white checkered ball he had transfigured from a wadded up piece of paper into the air and catching it over and over. "Sounds fun."

"Yeah," Peter piped in. "I'm in."

"I can't go."

Sirius looked over to Remus, the werewolf sitting on his bed, a book in his lap like he had been doing all week. Black eyebrows furrowed. "Sure you can, Moony. We don't have any tests next week, and it'll be fun."

Remus didn't respond. Sirius frowned.

"Hey, think he'd mind if I asked Lily?" James asked, hitting the once again piece of paper with his hand and knocking it off the bed before sitting up.

Sirius shrugged, his gaze trained on Remus. "I doubt it. So what do you say, Remus? Going to a friend's party tonight, fun, yeah?"

Remus looked up slowly, his hazel eyes surprisingly cool. "I'm not friends with Zabini."

Sirius's expression dropped, and James let out a laugh. "What? What's that supposed to mean?" he asked, ignoring James when he walked by and ruffled his hair as he made his way for the door.

"I'm going to go ask Lily. Wish me luck guys! Come on Pete, you can watch," James said from the door, Peter following after him.

"It means, I don't particularly like him," Remus said in a tone that matched his gaze.

Sirius didn't notice the click of the door as he walked over to Remus. He looked down at the sandy blond, he seemed tense. "Something wrong, Remus? Not feeling well?"

Remus began to read again. "No I'm fine, I just don't want to go to the party is all."

Sirius sat down on the edge of the werewolf's bed. "All right. We won't go then," he said softly, reaching out a hand and grasping the werewolf's bare foot. He gave it a gentle squeeze. "We can just spend the evening together then alone." He smiled at the thought.

Remus turned the page. "I can't. Study group tonight again. Just go on without me."

Sirius frowned. "Go without you? I don't want to do that."

"Why not? You like parties. You like Greg. Sounds like a good time," he said a little too matter-of-factly for Sirius's comfort.

The wizard sat quietly for a long moment. "All right. I guess. I'll just go for a bit." He gave the wizard's foot another squeeze before standing up, trying to push back the sudden unease clenching at his chest. He and Remus were fine, things were fine. He was just stressed over Owls. He walked over to the door. "I might go watch James ask Lily out, should be fun, want to come?"

Remus shook his head, not responding verbally, waving him on.

Sirius nodded, opening the door and letting it shut quietly behind him.

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><p>"Sirius, James, you guys came!" A very drunk Greg greeted them with a bottle in his hand.<p>

"Yeah, of course we did, mate," James said happily, holding out a bottle of firewhiskey. "And we got you a gift!"

Sirius forced a smile at the Slytherin, his hands pushed into his slacks pockets as he walked beside James, who had been drinking for the past hour as he lamented Lily turning him down with a well-placed hex. They stopped, Peter by their side in the middle of the Quidditch field.

"Hey Peter," Greg greeted the blond.

"Hey Greg, thanks for inviting us," the boy responded happily.

"Yeah, of course," Greg said and then, "Hey, where's Remus?"

"Ah, couldn't make it," Sirius said, forcing another grin, "said he needed to study." He didn't figure he should add the part where the werewolf had said he didn't like him.

Greg nodded and then a witch walked up and placed a kiss on his cheek. He wrapped an arm around her waist and then said, "Hey guys, you remember Briony, right?"

The Gryffindors nodded, greeting her.

The witch leaned up onto her toes and whispered into Greg's ear, making a smile slowly pull up the Slytherin's lips.

Sirius shifted uncomfortably. "Well, we'll leave you guys to it then," he said, turning away as Greg pulled the giggling witch into a kiss. He felt an odd twinge in his chest, and an arm wrapped around his shoulders.

"Bit weird seeing your ex do that, eh mate?"

Sirius huffed a laugh. "Yeah maybe a little," he admitted. "I'm happy for him though. Even if Briony is a bitch."

James laughed and ruffled his hair. "Jealousy isn't a flattering look on you, mate."

Sirius shoved him away. "Fuck off," he said, earning him a barking laugh that made him feel more agitated.

"Don't be like that," James said, wrapping his arm around him again. "It's understandable, I hate seeing Sarah with Diggory. It's normal."

Sirius sighed. "Maybe. I just need a drink." He wished Remus would have come.

James let out a whoop. "Yeah, yeah that's more like it. You've been no fun at all this term. You need to loosen up some."

Sirius nodded as they picked a spot a bit away from the Slytherin group and sat down.

"Here, drink up."

He looked down at the bottle pressed against his chest and took it. He lifted it to his lips and took a swig, focusing on the burn as it ran down his throat and settled in his stomach, coiling and warming him.

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><p>"And so we decided to part ways but remain the best of friends," James said not an hour later, Sirius's arm slung affectionately around his shoulders as he laughed wholeheartedly at James's huge lie. James had met a pretty blond who had been alternating ogling Sirius and Greg, evidently she knew about their previous fling and found guys kissing a huge turn on.<p>

The Slytherin witch looked between them with wide eyes and flushed cheeks. "Wow. I mean. That's really hot. So you two are okay with that?"

James nodded stoically. "Yeah, I'd never let something like that get between our friendship."

Sirius grinned. "Yeah, and James still likes to hook up on occasion," he said, the expression growing when James coughed at that. It served him right.

"Really?" the witch asked. "Can I see?"

James stammered, and Sirius let loose another laugh.

"See what?"

"Oh, hey Briony. Hey Greg. James was just telling me how he and Sirius hook up sometimes."

Briony's eyes widened like saucers, and Greg let out a laugh that kind of sounded like he was choking. "You two?" the Slytherin asked in a laughing disbelief.

James only hesitated for a second. "Yeah, but we've cooled off mostly," he hedged. Sirius snickered, his head dropping to rest on James's shoulder, he would let him talk his way out of this, it was his lie after all.

"Well let's see it then."

Sirius's eyes opened to meet Briony's sharp gaze.

"What?" James asked.

"Let's see it. You guys aren't afraid are you?" the witch goaded.

"No," James said defiantly as Sirius stood upright, frowning at the girl. He really didn't like her.

"Well, do it then." The girl raised dark eyebrows in a clear challenge.

Sirius started to retort when lips pressed against his. He felt the bottle in his hand drop and then his hands were grabbing James's face, and when a tongue ran along his lips, his mouth fell open. He met his best friend's tongue with a laugh. Fuck it.

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><p>"Fuck." Sirius's back hit the wall beside the portrait inside the Gryffindor common room. He was drunk. Really drunk. Like eyes wouldn't stay open drunk and lips were on his neck. Too much teeth though. "Fuck, James. Stop it, you're gonna leave a mark. Remus'll think I was snogging someone."<p>

"You are." James began to laugh. "Maybe I do fancy blokes. A little anyway."

Sirius let loose a rough laugh as hands trailed down his sides, and his eyes fell shut again. "No you don't, you're just _really_ pissed up," he said and then a hand palmed him through his slacks.

"Yeah, and horny." Lips found Sirius's neck again. "Want to help me out, Pads?"

Sirius groaned. Shit. This wasn't really a joke anymore. This was bad. And he couldn't think. "No," he said but then something hard and insistent pressed against his own eager body part, and it felt kind of comforting in a terrible way. "Oh, fuck Prongs," he growled, grabbing the wizard's hips and guiding the motion a few times before pushing him backwards and towards a couch, and more importantly, away from him.

"Just need to get off, need a girlfriend, need Lily," James said and then the backs of his knees hit the couch, and he fell backwards onto the cushions, his hand grabbing a fistful of Sirius's shirt and pulling the unexpecting wizard down on top of him.

"Yeah, maybe you should stop hexing Snape on your dates then," Sirius laughed and made to push himself off when hands grabbed his shoulders.

"Nah, s'too much fun," James said sleepily, his arms wrapping around Sirius in a hug of sorts.

Sirius let his head drop on his best friend's shoulder, relieved he had evidently given up on the terrible idea. "Should go upstairs," he said when James continued to hold him down.

"No, don't leave. Everything's spinning," James groaned and then hugged him more tightly. "You know, you're my best mate, I love you Sirius. I don't know what I'd do without you. Padfoot'n Prongs, best mates there ever were," he declared sleepily and not a little drunk.

Sirius laughed at the unexpected words and rested his head more comfortably on his best friend's shoulder. "Yeah, yeah James, love you too."

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><p>"You two disgust me."<p>

Sirius grimaced and then groaned, any attempt at thoughts or movement only adding to the pounding in his head. And then he was smacked soundly on the back of the head, and his mind felt like it cracked open. He groaned when he was smacked again, trying to get away from the mean witch, and the next thing he knew he was lying on the floor. He covered his eyes with his hands. Everything was too bright.

"Evans, it's. It's not what it looks like," he forced out, remembering there was some very good reason he should deny how he had been caught.

"Looks like you two drank too much and then messed around."

"Okay, maybe the first part is." A slap followed the statement, and Sirius cursed. "Shit, that hurts!"

"You're a bastard, Sirius Black!"

"Why do you care!" Sirius growled back, wishing she'd just go away.

"And an idiot too!" the witch shouted before lowering her voice to a whisper. "I hope you know Remus saw you two," she hissed, and then shoes clicked away angrily.

Sirius's eyes popped open at that, and his thoughts became coherent much to his regret. He pushed himself up, shoving past a talking James, who looked like he felt, and then he was making his way up the stairs to their dorm. Remus. He had upset Remus. He hadn't meant to. He thought he and James were just having a laugh. At first at least.

Sirius walked into his dorm, the room obviously empty but for Remus's curtains pulled. He eyed the werewolf's bed and considered going over but then walked over to his own instead, he was still a little drunk. He climbed in and closed the curtains behind him. He pulled the blankets over his head to block out the light, his head pounding angrily and stomach a mess. He had messed up again. Shit.

* * *

><p>"I hate you." Warm lips pressed to Sirius's mouth.<p>

Sirius's eyes fluttered open when hands slid over his bare chest and then began to run down towards his stomach, waking up his body immediately, his sluggish mind struggling to catch up.

"I hate you both so much," was said and then hands slid down further and began to work at Sirius's slacks.

Sirius blinked a few times, his eyes adjusting to find the werewolf proceeding to pull his slacks off and none too nicely. "Remus?" he said, not sure if he was seeing right when the werewolf then pulled off his pants over his feet, having dropped his slacks off the bed. Remus leaned over.

"Fu-uck," Sirius hissed when lips wrapped around him. "Remus, what. What are you doing?" he asked as the boy continued to move his mouth over him. He pushed himself into a sitting position and pulled the wizard's face carefully up. He met his gaze and noticed tears on his cheeks and his eyes were watery. "You're crying," he said softly, rubbing away the tears with his thumbs gently and then a hand hit him in the chest and pushed him back down.

"Don't touch me," Remus barked and then began to touch him instead with his hand, fingers wrapping around Sirius and sliding up and down. "Is this what you wanted last night, Sirius?" he asked harshly, surprising the dark-haired wizard. "If I had done this would you have been able to keep your hands off James?"

Sirius grabbed the werewolf by the shoulders. "Remus, please. Stop. I'm sorry. It-it was just a stupid drinking accident."

Remus let go of him at that and moved over onto the bed beside him, his back turned to him as he wrapped his arms around his knees and dropped his head, whispering curses against his legs instead of responding.

Sirius sat up slowly and placed a hand carefully on his back, and then he felt the werewolf began to shake under his touch. He swallowed hard. "I understand if you hate me," he said quietly, his words only making the shaking increase. "It didn't mean anything, we just kissed but nothing else happened," he whispered.

Remus sat up, wiping at his face. "You're lying. It always means something. Always. Maybe not the reasons you'd think, but it does. Was it because you were lonely, or feeling neglected because I didn't go with you last night, or maybe because you're worried about something, or because you don't actually... actually..." Remus cut off and dipped his head again. He whispered after a long moment, "It hurt Sirius. Seeing you two like that and knowing, knowing what you did with him before. Just tell me why."

Sirius didn't say anything for a minute as he tried to piece the night together. "It was just a joke at first, and then it kind of wasn't, because he was all upset over Evans," he said weakly, "He needed me. It's James, Remus."

Remus nodded, his expression suddenly stony as he met his gaze. "And what about you? Did you need him too?"

Sirius looked at the upset sandy blond, his heart clenching in his chest like a vice was tightening around it, and he thought it might just finish him off, and that it would be better that way. He had done this to him. "No. No I just need you."

The werewolf studied him, hazel eyes unreadable. "Is this something you guys are going to start doing, because Lily is probably not going to start dating James anytime soon."

Sirius shook his head. "No. It won't happen again. I promise."

Remus sat there for a long moment. "I really wish I could believe you." He laid down on Sirius's bed and closed his eyes. "Will you hug me?" he asked in a small voice that didn't really sound like Remus at all.

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, of course," he said and laid down beside the werewolf. He wrapped an arm around him and placed an apologetic kiss on his neck, a feeling worse than he could ever imagine taking up residence in his chest. "I'm so sorry," he whispered, "I'm so sorry, Remus." And his breath caught in his throat. "I don't mean to hurt you, I really don't," he said, his eyes began to burn. The werewolf scooted closer, and he ran a hand over his hair, caressing it. "I love you." He pulled the silent werewolf tighter. "I only want you," he said in a hitched voice.

A hand touched his cheek and hazel eyes were suddenly on him.

"Sirius," Remus said softly, wiping at his cheek.

"I'm so sorry," he said again and his breath caught in his chest. "I'm so sorry, Remus," he insisted and then lips were on his, kissing him and then kissing his traitorous wet cheeks. "I'm so sorry. I'm such a fuck up."

Remus continued to pepper him with kisses, slowly shifting over top of him. "Don't say that, you're not," he said as his hands ran down Sirius's body, grasping his hips and squeezing a little too hard. "You just make mistakes."

Sirius leaned up and met his lips again, and then the werewolf was settling down on top of him in only his boxers as a bittersweet feeling whirled madly inside his chest, leaving little room for his aching heart. He grabbed hips and pushed up between parted legs, moaning at the feeling. "I love you, Remus. I just want to be with you. Only ever you," he promised. "No one else. Ever. No matter what."

"I love you too," Remus said, his hand on Sirius's chest over his heart, the organ pounding up against his ribs as if it was trying to break free. "I want you to take me."

Sirius stopped at that. "You do?"

Remus pulled his shirt over his head, messing sandy locks and revealing a tone torso, and nodded again. "Yes."

Sirius breathed heavily. It was a bad idea. He knew it had to be. "Why?"

Remus slid boxers down his hips and then over his feet, and then straddled him again. "Because I want to be with you, completely, I'm ready."

Sirius sucked in a breath as the werewolf settled over him, their bodies touching in a way he wasn't used to. He should stop this. "My drawer," he said instead, and Remus leaned forward, resting his upper body against Sirius's chest as he fumbled outside the curtains in the wizard's nightstand drawer before pulling back with a tube in his hand.

Remus eyed it. And then scooted back down onto Sirius's thighs.

Sirius moaned, and his eyes fell shut as slick warm fingers ran over him, coating him thoroughly. "Are you sure about this?" he asked in a rough voice, his hips thrusting up when Remus tightened his hold and stopped moving. He pushed up between fingers and then let himself lower back slowly. "Fuck, Remus," he hissed.

Remus's hand loosened and then the werewolf shifted up off his legs, and he said, "Look at me, Sirius."

Grey eyes opened slowly and met intense hazel ones as Remus held himself over him, his hand holding the wizard steady.

"I'm sure," he said and then lowered down, and Sirius groaned low and deep as the werewolf slowly began to envelop him, his insides melting and his mind stopping as he felt what had to be the best thing ever. Remus stopped and let out hitched breaths, Sirius's hands grasping his sides as he held perfectly still. "Hurts," he said through closed teeth.

Sirius nodded ever so slightly. "I know, I'm sorry," he said quietly as he was clenched too tightly. He let out a slow unsteady breath. "We can stop."

Remus shook his head jerkily and moved down further, hissing in a breath. "No, no I suffer much more every month, I'll get used to it," he said, and then lowered even further.

"Remus," Sirius moaned, his fingers caressing hips that he wanted to do ungodly things to, because he couldn't do anything else at that moment without worrying he might hurt the gasping sandy blond, and then he cursed softly when the werewolf settled down all the way. "Remus, are you okay?"

Hazel eyes hid, Remus holding them firmly shut, not moving at all as he sat fully on top of the dark-haired wizard. "Yeah," he said unconvincingly. He let out a measured breath between pursed lips. "Yeah, I'm okay," and he began to relax a little.

Sirius looked up at the sandy blond, and placed a hand over his chest, a wildly beating heart greeting him. "I love you Remus," he said softly, wishing that he could somehow deserve to feel that way towards the wizard on top of him.

Hazel eyes opened, and Remus met his gaze. "I love you too, Sirius," he said and then shifted his hips forward.

Sirius's eyelids dipped, and his fingers tightened on tone obliques, following the movement but not guiding. "How much?" he asked in a tight voice. "How much Remus?"

Remus shook his head, his chin falling forward as he moved again over him, sandy locks hiding his eyes. "More than I should," he gasped out, his hands settling on Sirius's chest for leverage.

Sirius laughed roughly and then cursed as Remus lifted for the first time and then lowered back slowly, enveloping him tightly and making him feel like they were one person not two very different ones at that moment and that they would make it through anything together, because really there was no other option. He let out a tight breath, and his hand wrapped around Remus, and he began to match the werewolf's speed. He licked lips that were too dry. "S'feel any better?" he asked.

Remus nodded in short jerky movements, his tongue moving out and running over his own lips, teasing an already too worked up Sirius. "Yeah, yeah that's nice," he said as he continued to move over him. "Do you like it?"

Sirius groaned, the unsure words going straight to his over eager body member. "Best ever," he said with a small laugh.

And then Remus's eyes flashed open, sharp in their gaze before softening only a moment later with an incredulous laugh. Remus leaned down and kissed him on the chin. "I really do hate you sometimes."

Sirius quickly met his close lips with his own, and then slid his feet up so his knees were bent, and moaned against his mouth when it deepened their connection even further. He pushed up as the werewolf lowered, his hand speeding up a little as his body grew more excited. "M'sorry, Moony," he said and then grasped Remus's side tightly with one hand and held him still and began to push up into him not able to lie still anymore. "I just love you," he said in a rough voice.

Remus nodded, his eyes shut and mouth parted as Sirius moved in him and over him. "I know," he said, his words breathy and a little unhinged like he was coming undone, "I know Padfoot."

Sirius tilted his hips more forward and pushed up again, searching, and then grinning like an addict who had just gotten his next fix when the sandy blond let loose a long groan, telling him he had found what he was looking for. He kept his angle, picking up his pace and working his persistent hand over the werewolf, who had abandoned talking or inhaling evidently over moaning. "Y-y'like that?" he asked teasingly, the words coming out too broken to have any effect.

"Fuck yes," Remus hissed, nodding and leaning forward, Sirius scooting his hips up more to accommodate as lips met his again with a fervent greeting.

He continued to move, his muscles burning and a certain body part screaming at him incoherently as he struggled to make Remus's first time good. And then Remus pulled back from the kiss, to lean his forehead on his and gasp against his mouth, shoving him closer and closer to the cliff he was desperately trying not to topple over first. "Salazar, Remus, _come for me_," he groaned—And then Remus did just that.

"S-Sirius, yes, Siriuss," was whispered like a prayer across parted lips, and Sirius's body threw itself over the edge, chasing madly after the falling werewolf like it wanted to land first to soften his fall as he continued to thrust upwards, moaning the sandy blond's name, his mind a euphoric playground he never wanted to leave.


	3. Chapter 3

** - Chapter 3 -**

* * *

><p>"Oi.<p>

"Padfoot.

"Hey Padfoot."

Sirius wiggled a quill between his index and middle finger as he watched Remus smiling, one Lily Evans giggling by his side. The two prefects sat two tables away on the third Friday night in March, an unwanted feeling of déjà vu pulling Sirius's dark eyebrows in a severe fashion.

"Sirius..."

The witch pinched Remus's cheek, causing a flush to run up the werewolf's neck, and Sirius growled, his quill suddenly doing double time as he glared daggers at the infuriating red-head. She needed to keep her bony fingers to herself before something terrible happened to them—

"_Sirius_!" was whispered harshly in the tall wizard's ear, a hiss of warm unwelcome air traveling along with it.

Lips pulled back to reveal clenched white teeth, and Sirius shoved his friend and his mouth away from him without looking over. "Stop it James, I can hear you _just_ fine."

"Then bloody answer me!" James said angrily, and when Sirius rolled his eyes he shoved the wizard's so-far-neglected transfiguration book off their table with an angry swipe.

Sirius turned slowly to glare at his friend. "Pick it up."

James lifted one eyebrow, clearly unimpressed. "Make me."

Sirius clenched his teeth together even more tightly, barely holding back the sudden irritation that had shifted its focus and made him want to wrap his fingers rather firmly around his best friend's throat. "Pick it up _now_, Potter, or I'll leave you to hang out with Pete from now on," he growled.

James returned his glare wholeheartedly for a long moment before letting out a slow sigh and relenting. He leaned over, muttering curses as he grabbed the book with a swiping hand, and dropped it with a _thump_ on the table in front of Sirius in the quiet library, earning him a few harsh looks from fellow fifth-years studying for upcoming Owls. He flicked up a certain defiant finger in their disapproving direction, earning him even darker looks before turning his attention back to Sirius, who had dropped his head to rest face down on his returned book. "What is wrong with you, Sirius? All you do anymore is moon over Remus."

Sirius shrugged as he stared at black font up close. Maybe he did. He didn't care. He'd had the best sex ever with Remus, and then woken up a few hours later to an empty space beside him; it hadn't even been warm. He closed his eyes. The werewolf wouldn't say there was anything wrong, no matter how many times Sirius had asked him over the past two weeks, but he really wasn't that talkative as of late. And his smiles were coming a little slower and less sure with each passing day—and he never touched Sirius anymore—not unless they were having sex. Sirius sighed, his breath bouncing back at him.

He just didn't understand, because they _were_ having sex, still, even though there was something clearly wrong. And so he was inclined to think it wasn't anything too important, but only because of the shagging. Because if someone were to ask Sirius he would say that Remus wasn't the type to engage in such intimate activities if there was something terribly off. And he did like having sex with Remus, a lot. He wasn't complaining, but he sorely missed their talks and the other touches - like when Remus would rub his head for him, or when he used to let Sirius lay his head in his lap or hold his hand under the table, or hug him at night as he fell asleep. And to be perfectly honest he was starting to get worried, because he had stopped telling him he loved him. Sirius moaned. He had turned into a bloody chick, fucking fantastic.

"Sirius, if you're tossing off-"

Sirius elbowed his friend, a satisfying groan filling the air. "Shut it, James, this is _all_ your fault."

"_Mine_?" James asked hotly and then sighed again and lowered his voice. "Listen, I did everything I could, Sirius, I _really_ did. I apologized, and I even told him it was all my fault," he whispered, "that it wasn't you he should blame. I even offered him a free hit so long as he pulled it a little." James hummed and then added, "Well, a lot, but he's bloody strong you know."

Sirius refused to look at him, opting for his book's leather cover again. "He should have taken you up on it." He shooed his friend's hand away when he flicked him hard on the ear and added more morosely, "A lot of good it did anyway. He doesn't want anything to do with me anymore."

James snorted. "Is that what you call that? Because I wish Lily didn't want 'anything to do with me' then." Sirius groaned internally, well maybe externally, because then James added in a less mocking tone, "Just give it some time, mate, and stop staring at him, he'll come around."

Sirius rolled his eyes and sat up. Maybe James was right. After all he and Remus were still together, it could be worse. He chewed on the inside of his cheek as he chanced a glance over to his table to meet hazel eyes unexpectedly. He swallowed, holding the gaze, willing his expression to look as pathetic as he felt and feeling no shame. Remus's own expression wavered somewhat, but for only a second, and then he jerked his gaze away and leaned over to point at something on the table in front of the witch.

Sirius leaned towards James, and caught a glimpse of a piece of parchment spread out in front of her. He frowned. It was a rather large piece of parchment and appeared to be blocked off into squares and rectangles from what he could tell. He nudged James in the ribs. "Hey, what are Remus and Evans working on, do you know?"

James pushed his elbow away as a matching frown began to form on his lips. "I don't know..." James leaned towards Sirius to peer at the space between the two prefects. "Are they sharing a piece of parchment?" and then, "Maybe a plot of rooms?"

Sirius craned his neck and pushed out of his seat slightly when Remus shifted in his chair to block his view more fully. Grey eyes narrowed when they came up empty. "Let's go see," he said and pushed himself up all the way, James following suit.

Sirius made his way over at a forced stroll's pace, stopping in front of the two Gryffindor prefects, James by his side. "Hello Moony," he greeted, "...Evans." The two black-haired wizards were met with scowls as Lily snatched up the parchment and pressed it against her chest.

"We're busy, Sirius," Remus said shortly, his expression bordering indifferent.

Sirius ignored the responding discomfort and slight anger at the dismissive words and spoke up in a nonchalant tone. "I see that, what are you two up to? Do you need any help?"

"No, and it's none of your business," Lily retorted sharply, holding the parchment more tightly against her blouse when James walked around to take the open seat by her.

Remus didn't say anything for a moment but then he met Sirius's gaze and said in a less obstinate voice, "Lily's just helping me with a personal project, we can hang out later."

Sirius nodded - but he didn't want to just hang out later, especially if he meant in his bed - so he took the seat across from Remus and slid his left hand casually across the cool surface of the table and toward the werewolf's resting hand. He skated his index across the tips of the werewolf's fingers in a soft gesture. "Why didn't you sit with me today?" he asked, grey eyes pleading for an explanation that would put at least some of his worries to rest. He just wanted things to go back to how they used to be, before he had snogged James in a drunken stupor. He rested his hand overtop Remus's, not caring about the curious looks he was drawing from a group of seventh year Ravenclaws a table over. He gave his hand a squeeze. "I saved you a seat."

Remus pulled his hand away gently. "I didn't want to distract you, you had James, no big deal. I told you, we can hang out later - in the dorm."

Sirius blinked. He pulled his hand back to his side of the table, something shifting and making him say a little more coolly, "What about tomorrow?"

Remus looked up, sandy eyebrows furrowing. "What about tomorrow?"

Sirius studied the werewolf. "Are you going to sit with me tomorrow?" he asked, his voice growing noticeably tense if James's sudden attention was any indicator. "Because you haven't sat with me for two weeks, Remus." He leaned forward a little, his hands gripping the edge of the table. "Two bloody weeks I've been coming to the library, trying to spend time with you, and you haven't sat with me _once_."

"Sirius..."

Sirius ignored James, his gaze hardening on his suddenly uncomfortable-looking boyfriend. "So _tell me_, are you going to sit with me tomorrow?"

"I don't know, Sirius, let me think about it," Remus said quickly and then started to push away from the table, but Sirius's hand darted out and grabbed hold of his wrist.

Sirius looked up at the surprised werewolf. "It's a simple question, Remus. I want an answer."

Dark hazel eyes met his, and for a second Sirius felt a jolt of excitement that made him want to lean forward and meet the werewolf's lips and then his neck and touch him—

"No."

Sirius's hand loosened. "What?"

"No, the answer's _no_," Remus said firmly and then pulled his arm away. "I'll see you later, Lily."

Sirius's jaw flexed, and he pushed himself up, ignoring James as he followed after the sandy blond, who was making for the exit to the library. Once the door had shut behind them, Remus spun around, his expression hard.

"Don't follow me Sirius, can't you see I want to be alone?" He turned away, not waiting for a response.

Sirius grabbed his wrist from behind and pulled him back around, pushing him back the few steps it took to trap him against the wall as students passed by, his quickly rising chest pressing against Remus's, and he stared down into wild hazel eyes. "Remus, _please_, just talk to me," he said. And for a moment he thought he would, but then the werewolf looked away.

"Sirius, you're making a scene," Remus said quietly, not pulling away but not responding to Sirius's touch either, so the wizard grabbed his other wrist and pressed them both up against the wall on either side of sandy locks, pinning him against it, grey eyes sliding down to focus on tempting lips.

"I don't care," Sirius said and then he dipped his head to hover his lips just inches from Remus's. "I don't care what they think. I only care about you," he said softly, his heart thudding in his chest, agreeing with him, and then he added as he leaned in slightly closer, "I said I was sorry, what more can I do?"

Remus turned his head, leaving Sirius's lips pointed at his right cheek as he let out an unsteady breath. "Sirius, let me go," he said quietly, tensely.

"But I _miss_ you." Sirius moved closer, his lips almost resting on the werewolf's ear as he whispered, "I love you so much. Do you still love me?"

Remus let out a sharp breath, and his palms landed flat on Sirius's chest as if he were considering shoving him away, Sirius's hands still wrapped firmly around his wrists. "Sirius, why would you ask that?"

Sirius swallowed hard around the sudden lump in his throat as he looked into hurting hazel eyes. He hadn't answered him. "Do you?" he asked, his chest aching, "Do you, Remus?"

Remus pressed his lips together and then said softly, "Are you doing okay? You seem a little off today."

Sirius closed his eyes as he tried to think, tried to keep himself together, as he realized unwillingly why the werewolf was refusing to answer his question. He was a fool, no one could love him, not really. "Remus, if you want to break things off, we can," he almost whispered, his hands slowly loosing their grip on wrists that he adored and dropping to his sides in bitter acquiescence. He took a step back and looked down. "If you're just worried about me, I'll be fine."

"Sirius..."

The wizard took another step back and shoved his hands into his pockets when they wanted to reach out for the werewolf again, ignoring the intensifying pressure in his chest that made it feel like he just might explode. "Just tell me if that's what you want," he said quietly, "I don't want to be strung along."

"I'm sorry," Remus said, his tone suddenly sharp, "_You_ don't want to be strung along?"

Sirius didn't look up. "Yeah, so just be straight with me." He waited for a response, looking up when he received none. Remus was staring at him in a way that made him feel like he had just kissed James all over again, and an apology moved to escape his lips, but he held it in. He had apologized too many times to count, it wasn't what Remus wanted.

Remus finally let out a dry laugh and shook his head. "You're just unbelievable, you know that?"

Sirius clenched his hands inside his pockets. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Remus let out an even drier laugh and took a step forward, his jaw set and eyes swimming in some intense emotion. He spoke in a private voice, "_You_ are the one who cheated on _me_, Sirius. With James no less." His expression grew darker. "And after all those promises. I should have known better, I _should_ have. But I was stupid, and thought I was different somehow."

Sirius looked around them as the hall began to clear, the warning bell ringing through the halls and ushering away their audience. "You _are_ different, Remus. I've told you, it was just an accident—"

"_Stop_ saying that," Remus said, cutting him off. "I saw you two, that night in the common room, I _saw_ you."

Sirius's mouth opened, but no words came out.

Remus shook his head as if he were chastising himself. "I saw you two, and I _should _have ended things then, but I couldn't stand the thought of losing you."

Sirius felt like his insides were all twisting around themselves, and he struggled to recall the night. It hadn't seemed so bad to himself. "Then you heard me turn him down," he said more softly, a tinge of hopefulness bleeding into his words.

Remus shook his head before saying, "Maybe, but I didn't see it, all I saw was you groaning while James kissed you and then..." he stopped, closing his eyes for a second. "If James hadn't given up, you would have done more. I know it."

The words rung true in Sirius's addled mind, and he took a small step back, an agitated breath escaping his lips as he ran a hand up into his hair, a feeling of confusion forcing out the words, "What do you want from me, Remus?"

Remus let out a quiet laugh, the sound anything but happy. "To feel loved, Sirius. It's all I've ever wanted."

Sirius nodded, quiet grey eyes shifting to meet glassy hazel ones. "And you don't, you don't feel that way with me?"

Remus stared back at him for a long moment and then shook his head ever so slightly.

Sirius nodded again, the movement almost imperceptible, pain lancing through his chest and making him feel like he might make a fool of himself right there in the hallway. He wanted to beg the wizard to give him another chance, to tell him that he felt wrong, because he _did_ love him, so much it hurt, that he was just shitty at expressing it and he'd never loved anyone before, and he didn't really know what he was doing or thinking, but that he did know he couldn't imagine being happy again without him after knowing what it felt like to be with him, to hold him, to hear him say that he loved him.

Sirius felt the clenching tighten and swallowed back the pleas. He made Remus unhappy, that was all that mattered. He blinked rapidly a few times as he tugged at black locks. He shouldn't be surprised, but he was, or else it wouldn't hurt so much he was sure. "All right..." he said, his voice rough, "I'll make it easy on you then." He cleared his throat and didn't meet the wizard's eyes as he walked by, saying regretfully, "I hope you find someone better, you deserve it."

Sirius trailed down the hallway, his thoughts a littered minefield as he struggled to keep himself composed, not turning back when Remus called out his name, because it was riddled with guilt, and he didn't want Remus's sympathy, he just wanted him. And Remus would be better off without him.


	4. Chapter 4

**- Chapter 4 -**

* * *

><p>"<em>Fuck<em>." Sirius slammed his bloodied fist into the wall beside his bed, where his mirror once had been, before it had ended up in shards on the floor. He hated it. He hated the stupid fucking wall too, with its stupid grey hue, and the stupid magic embedded in it that was currently padding his hits somehow. And he hated the stupid dorm that it housed. And he hated the stupid people who lived inside it, including himself, especially himself, because he had been stupid. So fucking stupid. And he had lost everything because of it, he had lost Remus.

"Fuck, fuck, _fuck_." He growled and slammed his fist into the wall again, harder, his hand finally giving under the heavy bricks, and a sickening pain exploded up his arm. He clenched his jaw and bore the pain, because it felt better this way. He didn't want to think about anything else, he didn't want to think about—"Fuck!" He lifted his numbing hand and landed another heavy hit.

A door opened loudly behind him, and he swung again. "Sirius, stop! Sirius, Sirius, calm down!" And then restraining hands were wrapping around his shoulders, and he tried to jerk away.

"Get the fuck off James! I'm busy!" He let out an angry shout when stubborn arms tightened around him, pulling him back and away from the wall he had been hitting, his shoes crunching over broken glass. He tried to kick his friend in the leg, his arms pinned, but barely clipped his shin. "I said, let me go, Potter!"

"Sirius! It's okay! _Calm_ down!"

"It's not okay! It's _not_ bloody okay!" Sirius shouted, and tried one last time to break free of his friend's grasp, almost getting loose when determined arms readjusted and tightened even more securely. He let out an enraged noise of protest and after one last surge of fruitless energy his body suddenly gave up on him, his own muscles betraying him, and he sagged against his friend pathetically, heaving for air. He was weak, pathetic.

"It's okay, Padfoot," James said around his own heavy breaths, "It'll be okay."

"It won't," Sirius said, his words as raw as his chest that felt painfully hollow and far too big, because his heart had been torn out and stomped on and left somewhere. Wherever Remus was. His shoulders began to shake, and he laughed, the sound brittle to his own ears. "It won't. Remus doesn't want me. He said so. He said he doesn't want anymore."

James's arms loosened to slide up, and then his friend's hold felt more like a hug. "I'm sorry," he said, and Sirius felt his chest heave again but not to laugh, and he turned around and buried his face in his best friend's shoulder, feeling ashamed and worthless and just mostly unwanted, when he didn't want to feel anything at all. A hand slipped around his shoulders and the other ran up his neck to cup the back of his head. "I'm so sorry, Sirius."

Sirius shook his head, his face still hidden. "I don't know what I'll do without him, James. I - I can't do this. I told him I'd be okay. But I won't," he said, and his shoulders shook again. "I won't be okay. I _need_ him, I need him so much. I love him."

James pulled him even closer, hushing him, not saying anything for a long moment. But when he spoke, his words were determined, if not a little shaky. "I know, Pads. But I'll be here for you, for all of it, I'm not going anywhere. I'll help you get through it."

"I don't think I will." Sirius clenched his burning eyes shut tightly, wishing it was enough, his hand throbbing and head pounding and thoughts racing, unbearable pain coursing through his chest making him want to scream, because it felt like one was trapped inside him every time he fucking breathed. If this was what being in love did, then he hated it. It was miserable. He was miserable. "It hurts, Prongs," he said, his words broken, "It hurts so - _so_ fucking much."

"I know," James said - a whisper of the grief Sirius felt, echoing in his own words - and he ran a hand soothingly over his head, "I know, Padfoot."

* * *

><p>Sirius woke with a start, he blinked, and then groaned. His eyes felt like shit. He rolled over and dropped his face into his pillow and whispered a groan again, because he remembered why he felt like shit.<p>

He sucked in a breath, but stopped halfway when the scent was off. He lifted his head cautiously and looked around to find Quidditch-themed sheets and a Gryffindor red comforter. He was in James's bed. He rolled onto his back, the sound of people moving around quietly outside the curtains reaching his ears as he took in a silent breath, and he remembered why he had woken up. He had heard voices.

"I said I don't want to talk about it, James."

"What the fuck, Remus! You can't just do this to him, he's not doing well you know, you should have seen him last night. I had to get Evans to heal his hands after he had fallen asleep, he'd messed them up so much."

Sirius blinked.

"And what am I supposed to do about that? Take him back, because he's not doing well?" Remus asked, incredulity dousing his every word. "That's not how it works."

Sirius closed his eyes.

"That's not what I fucking mean, Lupin, and you know that. You don't always have to be such a cold heartless asshole you know, Sirius doesn't like me, he never has, and you know that!"

Silence followed the statement and then Remus spoke up in a cold voice, one that Sirius had never heard him use in his presence. "I know, that's why I did it."

Sirius resisted sitting up, not wanting Remus's keen hearing to pick up on the movement, because he really didn't want to face him at that moment.

"What?" James asked, sounding just as surprised as Sirius.

"Sirius did that with you, and he doesn't even like you. Your words, not mine. He's not ready for a relationship, James. He and I, it would have never lasted, I'm doing him a favor by ending it now."

"Bullshit."

Sirius's eyes widened.

"I'm sorry?"

"I said _bullshit_. You can't know that. He was as committed to you as Sirius is capable of. Yeah, he's not perfect, but if you thought he was going to be, then you're a _fucking idiot_."

"_James_-"

"No. No, I don't want to hear what you have to say. You accepted him, knowing how he was, his - his issues, and then you just drop him as soon as you get scared. Sirius deserves better than you."

Sirius lay quietly, his heart pounding and his eyes darting around the space. He steeled himself, pushed up and pulled the curtains back to be met by two sets of intense hazel eyes. He smiled, hiding the weakness behind it, and stood up. He ran a hand up into his hair and smoothed long black bangs down, trying to hide his eyes. "Morning guys, maybe next time you could take your bloody bird fight outside, yeah?" he asked with a laugh, and looked away when Remus's expression softened. He walked over to his own bed.

"Sirius..."

"Yeah James?" he asked, leaning over his trunk and pulling out a shirt and pair of slacks. He just needed to keep it together, he could feel himself trying to slip with Remus so close by. He looked over when James didn't say anything.

"I'll wait for you for breakfast," he said simply.

Sirius huffed a laugh, the action making the ache in his chest grow. "Yeah, okay Prongs." He stood up and forced his legs to walk by a stone-quiet Remus and as he passed he said softly, "Morning Remus," and then walked into the bathroom and shut the door behind him. He made his way over to the shower, hanging his clothes on a rack before stripping himself of his sleeping pants and turned the water on hot, stepping under it and letting the scalding water distract him from the emotions once more trying to burn him from the inside.


	5. Chapter 5

**- Chapter 5 -**

* * *

><p>"Coming down for dinner?"<p>

Sirius didn't open his eyes to mumble a nearly indecipherable, "Not hungry."

"Really? Not even a little? You didn't eat lunch either."

"Big breakfast," Sirius said and rolled onto his side, wishing James would leave already. He didn't want company. At least not his. He had made it through classes, skipped lunch to smoke cigarettes on the Astronomy Tower, got into a nasty hexing match with Snape on his way to the dorm that'd left the Slytherin worse off than him, and now he wanted to be left alone. He pulled his blanket over his shoulder, ignoring the sigh from his best friend. He could sod off, he wasn't going to starve from missing two fucking meals.

"Do you want me to bring you something back?"

"Yeah. A bottle of firewhiskey and some fags."

"Si-"

"Fuck off, James." Sirius refused to look over his shoulder and meet the undoubtedly worried gaze of his friend. He was fine. "Just fuck off."

"All right," James said hesitantly and then, "We'll be back soon."

"Okay Mum."

* * *

><p>"I, uh, I brought you something."<p>

Sirius's chest constricted. He refused to roll over. Shit. Shit. Shit.

"Potatoes and chicken, your favorite, house elves sent it up extra..."

Sirius refused to speak. He couldn't. If he did, he'd just end up begging Remus to take him back. Why had James let him bring his food? He would pay dearly, he would-

"Sirius... Can, can I talk to you for a minute?"

He swallowed hard, not answering right away. What could he have to say? That he was sorry, or that he wanted to still be friends? "No." He heard a soft clang as Remus undoubtedly set his plate on his nightstand, and then he felt the bed shift beside him, and his heart leapt into his throat. Because, Remus was in his bed, and he wished he'd never asked the wizard what was wrong the day before, because then they'd still be together. He held himself completely still, not trusting his muscles to behave if he moved.

"Sirius..." Remus started, and when Sirius didn't respond verbally or physically he continued, his voice sounding pained and causing Sirius's resolve to begin to waver, mocking its weakness. "I'm really sorry, about what happened. I didn't want things to end up like this between us," he said quietly.

Sirius's eyes darted to the corners of his vision, just catching a glimpse of Remus's hands as he sat down by his legs, the wizard clenching and unclenching his fingers in his lap.

"This is hard for me too, you know," he said, when Sirius still didn't respond, his words sounding almost like a plea.

Sirius's chest rushed with an unpleasant feeling, and he fought the impulse to try to comfort him. He wouldn't even know how to now. Now that they weren't together anymore. Because he was pretty sure even friendly touches wouldn't be welcomed at the moment. He let out a slow breath, trying to keep his heart from speeding up.

"I just. You're the one who suggested breaking up," Remus said.

And Sirius rolled over, meeting pained hazel eyes. "You still want to be with me?" he asked without a shred of hope to lift his voice.

Remus's expression dropped further, and Sirius's lips pushed up but it wasn't a smile. "That's what I thought."

Remus closed his eyes. "You're not being fair. Sirius, you cheated on me, what did you think was going to happen?"

Sirius pushed himself up slowly until he was sitting, facing him. "I don't know, what did Diggory do every time you cheated on him?"

Hazel eyes flashed open, and Sirius almost felt bad for his words when he saw the damage he had inflicted.

"It's not the same. It's not the same at all, and you know that," Remus said, his words insistent and a little shaky.

Sirius scoffed, "Why, because it happened to you this time?"

Remus growled, and Sirius's eyes widened a little. "Fuck you, Sirius." He grabbed for the curtains, and Sirius's hand shot out, grabbing his sleeve.

"Wait, tell me how it's different."

Remus spoke, his words cold, and seeping into Sirius's chest. "Because I loved you, I loved you, and you said you loved me. You said only me, _remember_?"

Sirius's hand dropped at the words. Loved. He had loved Sirius. "It was just James," he said, "if I had known this would happen, I would've stopped him."

Remus blinked. "What did you think would happen?" He paused. "Did you think I wouldn't find out?" he asked harshly. "Did you think I wouldn't care?" His voice grew louder. "Or did you just think, I'd let it go, like I let _everything_ go with you?"

"No," Sirius said sharply, "I thought you loved me as much as I loved you."

Remus moved closer, jaw clenched, eyes flashing. "Don't ever say that. Don't ever say that you care about me more. You can't know that, you can't know how I feel."

Sirius held back a frustrated growl of his own. "I know! You don't bloody tell me anything, Remus! So tell me."

"All right," Remus said quietly, "You want me to tell you how I feel?"

Sirius nodded, ignoring the hesitant feeling trying to hold back the motion.

"All right then... When I saw you and James,"—Remus closed his eyes—"I felt like someone had stabbed me - in the chest," he said, his words angry but swimming in pain. "I wanted to go down and beat the _shit_ out of James and yell at you. Because, I could tell you weren't encouraging it, but you _still_ let him snog you."

"Why didn't you then?" Sirius asked, his tone matching Remus's. "Maybe if you had, we wouldn't be here. Maybe if you were more upfront with me-"

"This _isn't_ my fault." Remus laughed, the sound not the least amused. "And no. No if I had done that, I would have lost you for sure. I'm not an idiot, Sirius."

Sirius blinked, and dark eyebrows furrowed. "What do you mean by that?"

"James, Sirius," Remus said, as if he were being dense, "I'm talking about _James_. He's your best friend."

Sirius didn't respond at first but finally forced out the pained words, "You're my best friend too, Remus," because he wasn't so sure if it was true anymore, but he hoped it was.

"No I'm not." Remus shook his head adamantly. "You and I, we're, I don't know, but we're different, I know that. It's not the same. I've never thought, ever, for even a second, that you and James wouldn't be best friends. But you and I, I've worried we might never talk again, many times."

Sirius reached out a hand. "That'll never happen, Remus."

Remus laughed, the sound bitter, not seeming to notice the hand on his shoulder. "You say that, but it's just wishful thinking. You like to think the best, but it doesn't make it true."

Sirius resisted shifting closer. "Remus, you and I will _always_ be friends."

Remus looked at him, his gaze level. "Even if we never get back together? Even if I meet someone else?"

Sirius's jaw clenched, and his hand fell away.

"That's what I thought," Remus said, his tone matching his words.

Sirius felt like he was suffocating. "Just. Just give me a second." He closed his eyes. Remus wanted to be with someone else? No, but he would. At some point he would. The pain inside him grew, and he tried to hold it in. It wasn't his fault. It wasn't. But it didn't really help.

"Sirius?"

A hand reached out, and he pulled away. "I. I'm sorry Remus. You're right. I can't."

Silence hung between them.

"You can't?" Remus asked, his words void of emotion, mechanical almost.

And Sirius shook his head. "No. You were right. You're always right." He laughed. "I can't be friends with you, not anymore."

"You... You're not even going to try?" Remus asked, his words a little uneven. "You've not even _tried_... You've not even _bloody_ tried, Sirius."

Sirius shook his head, his hand in his hair, tugging. "I'm sorry." He looked up slowly, and his heart felt like it was crushed, Remus's expression worse than before his transformations. "It's better this way," he said weakly.

Remus nodded. "Yeah. Yeah better," he said, his words sounding hollow and not the least convinced. He blinked a few times, and his expression suddenly shifted. "I, Sirius, what if I took you back?"

Sirius swallowed hard. He scooted closer. "Take me back?"

Remus nodded jerkily. "Yeah, would you say yes?"

Sirius fought the urge to kiss him. "You would take me back?"

Remus looked down, not meeting his gaze. "I would. I can't. I can't lose you completely... I don't want to break up, I don't, I was wrong."

Sirius's breath caught in his throat, and he reached a hand out, touching the wizard's chin and lifting it to meet his eyes. "_Remus_..." And then he stopped. Because Remus didn't look happy at all, he just looked scared. Sirius realized something then about himself.

He was a selfish bastard.

"I can't," he said simply, hating himself more than he thought possible, and then he wrapped his arms around the werewolf and pulled him close when he tried to leave, his chest aching as he hugged his no longer boyfriend, his friend. "I won't leave you, even if we're only ever friends, Remus, and you meet someone, I promise I won't. No matter what. I might say I'm going to, and I might for a while. But I'll always come back, I promise."

Remus let Sirius pull him closer, and Sirius found him laying with Remus in front of him, arms wrapped around him. "I never wanted this to happen, Sirius," he said, his words pained, "you have to know that."

Sirius buried his face in his friend's shirt. He didn't respond. He breathed in deeply and tried to let the scent calm him, but all he could think of was that it might be the last time he let him hold him.."

Sirius closed his eyes. "Will you stay tonight?" he asked quietly and then waited.

"Yeah. Tonight."

* * *

><p>Sirius walked along the dungeons one week later, hands stuffed in his pockets and tired grey eyes directed at the floor. He scuffed the toe of his right shoe with each step along the stone as he took his time, not noticing the extra cold air as he walked in a pair of slacks and white shirt, collar up, and sleeves pushed to his elbows, tie undone and dangling messily around his neck. He wasn't in a hurry, Goyle could wait.<p>

"Sirius, hey. What are you doing down here?"

Sirius looked up to meet chocolate-colored eyes. "Hey Zabini," he said with a forced smile at the always sharply dressed wizard approaching him. "Just meeting up with Goyle."

The wizard stopped a few feet away, his bag hanging across his wide chest. His lips tightened ever so slightly, and then he glanced around the empty hallway. "Oh, uh, Jonathan is serving detention right now, you'll be waiting a while."

"Ah, good to know." Sirius nodded, holding back his look of disappointment. That would put a damper on his and James's plans for the night.

"Yeah, so what are you up to tonight?"

Sirius shrugged, pushing his hands further in his slacks. "Not much. You?"

Greg ran a hand over his short hair. "Oh, nothing. Just planning on studying for Owls some."

Sirius nodded, looking down at his shoes. "Right." He heard the wizard clear his throat.

"Where's Remus?"

Sirius's chin lifted slowly, and grey eyes darkened. "How the fuck should I know?"

Greg's eyebrows shot up. He studied Sirius for a moment and then said in a more careful voice, "Are you two fighting?"

Sirius laughed, loudly. Fighting. If only. They were getting along well enough, and it felt like shit, because it didn't feel real and it wasn't nearly enough. Talking to him civilly but not being able to touch him, not even how he had before they'd dated. And they weren't close like they had been, he was lonely, hanging off James whenever he could, except for when his best friend would carefully nudge him away a little, asking how he was holding up, and Sirius would realize that he was being a pathetic needy bastard. He laughed again, and a hand settled on his forearm.

"Sirius, you okay?"

Sirius shook his head and moved a step back, Greg's hand dropping. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm great," he lied. "Remus and I aren't together anymore though," he said, and he cursed internally when his own words stung him so sharply.

"I'm sorry," he said to which Sirius shrugged. Greg looked around the still empty hallway and then said, "Jonathan really will be a while, if you're planning on waiting. A few hours at least, he and Vincent got caught hexing some third year Gryffindors after dinner, used some rather nasty hexes."

Sirius grimaced at that. Goyle was an asshole, he felt a little bad having anything to do with him, even if it was just to get more firewhiskey and cigarettes because he and James were all out.

"Do you want to go to the library with me?"

Sirius looked over in surprise. "Ah..." He chewed on the inside of his cheek as he thought the offer over. Remus didn't like Greg. He probably shouldn't. But then again, he was pretty sure that was because they had dated, and Remus didn't want to be with him anymore. And he wasn't friends with people according to what James or Peter thought. He ran a hand up into his hair. "Yeah, okay, you meeting up with Parkinson?"

Greg let out a laugh and shook his head. "Nah, we broke up again. Honestly, I don't know what I was thinking."

Sirius grinned at that, his hand dropping. "You go through witches pretty quickly, Zabini."

Greg returned the expression and patted him on the shoulder, the two wizards turning back towards the stairway. "What can I say, I have very high standards."

Sirius let out a laugh, feeling a little better than he had all week.

* * *

><p>"You and Zabini, eh?"<p>

Sirius didn't look up from the transiguration homework he had neglected until the morning it was due. Only two more inches. He hummed in a noncommittal fashion as he dipped his quill and then began to write again. He and Greg weren't back together. Not even close. But he did like his company, because he wasn't friends with Remus, and he never brought him up, and he wasn't always thinking of him when they were together.

Not that James and Peter hadn't done their best. Because James was clearly trying really hard, he was quiet about Remus and didn't push Sirius about him - but he was constantly watching Sirius like he was waiting for him to implode or something - and it put him on edge. And Peter continually looked like he had just pissed himself whenever Sirius would meet his gaze for whatever reason.

"You think that's a good idea?"

Sirius sighed as he continued to write, only one more to go. "I'm busy, Prongs," he said in a bored tone, hoping he'd take the hint and leave it alone.

James sat down on his bed, the mattress dipping and shifting and making Sirius have to lift his quill to keep from smudging his work. "Sirius, I know things have been hard... that you've been upset lately."

Sirius snorted and continued to write, almost finished. "Nothing gets past you, James," he said and then punctuated his final sentence with a period. He placed the quill on his nightstand in its holder and lay the parchment still open beside it to let it dry, too lazy to cast a drying spell. He leaned back on his pillow, hands behind his head and relaxed. Twenty minutes to spare.

"I just mean, if you want to talk about it—"

"I don't," Sirius said and closed his eyes. He felt the bed shift again as James lay down beside him, his entire side pressing against his. "This bed is getting a little too small for friendly sharing," he said with a half grin.

James laughed. "Yeah, it kind of is. You ready for Owls?"

"Yeah, I've been studying with Zabini," he said quietly.

"Ah." James cleared his throat. "So you two..."

"No."

"Really, because if you—"

"I said no."

"Because if you _were_," James said with a pointed look so Sirius wouldn't interrupt him. "I wouldn't care, and I wouldn't tell Remus if you didn't want me to, you know that right?"

Sirius opened his eyes and looked over at his best friend. "I'd tell you if we were, we're not."

James nodded and then looked up at the ceiling. "Why not?"

Sirius let out an incredulous laugh. "Why not?"

James shrugged. "Yeah, I mean. You seem a little more upbeat after you go off with him, and you've been single a while now."

Sirius laughed again. "A month. How long have you been single, Prongs?"

"No I know. But I'm okay with being alone..." James shot him a worried glance.

Sirius sighed. "Honestly, I wouldn't mind, but it just hasn't happened yet."

James quirked his lips to the side. "You mean you're waiting for Greg to make a pass, like a bird or something?"

Sirius and James sat quietly for a second and then they both started laughing. Sirius turned his head to meet mischevious hazel eyes. "You're a fucking bastard."

James's smile grew. "Yeah, maybe." He sniffed and lifted a hand to scrub at wild black locks. "I just want you to be happy again. You've been down, since... Well, for a while now."

Sirius closed his eyes again. "Yeah, where's Peter?" he asked carefully.

"He and Moony are getting breakfast."

Sirius didn't respond.

"He feels pretty bad, you know."

Sirius still didn't respond. A tightness growing in his chest.

"He looks like shit, too."

Sirius turned grey eyes on his best friend. "What do you mean?"

James shot him an unsure look and then let out a heavy breath before saying, "I just mean, he looks tired all the time, and he's looking worse already, and the full is still a week away. Haven't you noticed at all?"

Sirius blinked a few times. He hadn't noticed, but it was hard to notice anything when he made every effort he could to avoid the wizard. "What am I supposed to do about it?"

James sighed. "I'm not saying you should do anything. I'm just saying, he's not taking it well either. You two, y'know."

Sirius swallowed hard, the tension turning into more of an ache in his chest, and not nearly as dull as it should be. "That's great to know. Thanks Prongs," he said dryly and a little bitter. He shouldn't care. Remus hadn't checked on him after all. He didn't care. He and Remus weren't even friends anymore. Not really. He lifted a hand and rubbed at his face. "You should hang out with him more, make sure he's doing okay," he said.

James hummed. "I don't know about that, mate, Remus and I, we don't really get along anymore."

Sirius looked over. "Why's that?"

James let out a sharp laugh. "I think you know why."

"You should apologize," Sirius said.

"I have," James said emphatically. "And to be perfectly honest, I think Remus would just rather hang out with Lily." James shifted around. "I've been meaning to ask, do you want to come to mine this summer?"

Sirius began to worry the inside of his lip with sharp canines. Summer, it was coming up quickly, too quickly. "I'll ask."

"Great," James said, his tone genuine. He was silent for a long moment and then he spoke up, his voice suddenly quiet, an uncharacteristically tense edge to it, "I'm really sorry, Padfoot - to you too, I mean - you know that, right?"

Sirius closed his eyes, his chest aching unwillingly. "Yeah, I know Prongs."


	6. Chapter 6

Author's Note: Hello. I have moved up the flashback scene Harry witnessed from Snape's bad memories, because I just couldn't see James doing it _after_ the 'Snape Incident.' I'm not going to show it though to avoid redundancy, but it does occur between the second and third scenes.

* * *

><p><strong>- Chapter 6 -<strong>

* * *

><p>Sirius stood in Potions class the next day, smothered laughter shaking the chest of the Slytherin beside him. He glanced up at Slughorn, who was at the front of the room shuffling through a messy pile of parchment on his desk, and then back to Greg, a smile playing at his lips. "Come on, Zabini, you know you'd shag him."<p>

Greg shook his head and continued to stir the bluish-green potion in their cauldron. "You're a bloody deviant, Black."

Sirius let out a barking laugh, earning him a scowl from Evans, who was standing beside Snape to the left and two tables in front of them. He pointedly avoided the table behind her, where Remus stood. "Then who? Who does your cock fancy at the moment, Lily Evans maybe?" Sirius whispered with a grin, shifting closer to the wizard to slide the Slytherin's potions book over to in front of him, having forgotten his own, checking to make sure they were finished. "Although you'd have to go through James to get to her, and he fights dirty," he said as he ran a finger over the text.

"No. Actually, I think I've had enough witches lately," Greg said in a private voice, brown eyes flicking over to Sirius as he shifted closer. "I was thinking a wizard maybe."

Sirius's grin grew. "Yeah? So... James then?"

Greg chuckled and shook his head. "Is Potter swinging both ways now? I remember you two snogging at my party now that you mention it, is that what that was about?"

Sirius ignored the discomfort at the mentioned event, and he leaned in to whisper in his partner's ear. "No, I'm just a sexy bastard."

Greg laughed at that, and chocolate eyes met close grey ones. "Yeah, you are."

Sirius's tongue flicked out to wet his lips. "You saying something, Zabini?"

Greg shrugged. "Maybe. Would you be interested?"

Sirius found himself nodding. "Yeah, I think I would."

* * *

><p>Sirius whistled as he strolled down a library aisle later that day on his way to the back and the restricted section, feeling in relatively high spirits for the first time in over a month. Greg had asked him to meet him there after dinner, saying he needed help getting a book - which Sirius was hoping meant he needed help getting off - because he definitely did. He turned the corner, leaving the Muggle Studies section and his train of thought died. "Remus?"<p>

His roommate sat on the floor, knees pulled towards his chest, arms wrapped around his legs and head resting, his bookbag still closed and lying beside him. He didn't respond.

Sirius walked closer, leaning over slightly to peer at the wizard, his hazel eyes open but staring down at the space between his legs. "You okay, Remus?"

Remus nodded, not lifting his head or shifting his vision to respond.

Dark eyebrows furrowed, and Sirius took the spot on the floor beside the werewolf, leaving little more than a foot between them. "You sure? You don't look so good."

Remus let out a heavy breath, and his head shifted ever so slightly to the side, hazel eyes looking greener than usual with purple skin underneath contrasting them. He sniffed. "Yeah, just feeling a little down 'cause of the full," he said, his voice monotone and making Sirius shift closer.

Sirius glanced around to make sure there was no one in hearing distance and then spoke in a hushed voice. "Do y'want me to help you to the dorm, so you can lie down?"

Remus's eyes closed slowly, and his head rolled back to facing down. "No, I'm fine here."

Sirius sat quietly for a moment and then reached out a hesitant hand, placing it carefully on Remus's back, and the wizard stiffened under the touch. He swallowed hard and kept his hand there. "Are you sure? I don't mind."

Remus mumbled a 'no' and buried his face deeper before saying, "You can go. Aren't you meeting up with Zabini?"

Sirius felt his chest tug uncomfortably, and he carefully lifted his hand from Remus's back. "Yeah, but it can wait."

Remus's chest shook, but the sound that accompanied it only vaguely resembled a laugh. Remus turned his head to look at him again, still leaning on his legs. "It's okay, I'm not upset," he said, but Sirius couldn't help but feel like he was lying. "I knew you'd date again, no big deal."

Sirius ran a hand up into his hair. He didn't know what to say. "Greg and I aren't dating."

Remus's lips turned up but hazel eyes remained lifeless. "Well, shagging then."

Sirius shook his head. "We've not done that either."

"But you will."

Sirius looked away. "Sorry," he mumbled, because he didn't want to lie; he'd messed up enough with the wizard.

Remus let out a heavy sigh and then scooted closer and leaned against him, laying his head on Sirius's shoulder and surprising him. "Don't be, just ignore me, I'm in a rotten mood."

And Sirius's arm wrapped around Remus, pulling him tight. "I'm sorry you don't feel well."

Remus laughed again, the sound weak. "Yeah, me too."

Sirius sat with his arm wrapped around Remus, the werewolf leaning against him, his chest rising and falling slowly, Sirius's slowing to match. "You want to lay in my lap?"

"What?"

Sirius cleared his throat. "I know I've used yours as a pillow enough times, go for it," he said and then watched as Remus carefully lowered himself to rest his head in his lap, an arm wrapping around his leg and making the wizard feel like he was almost being hugged. He lifted a hand and ran fingers through sandy blond locks, his eyes falling shut and head tilting back to rest on the wall as a soft sigh left Remus's lips.

"Thanks Sirius."

"No problem, Remus."

* * *

><p>"You're coming on Thursday, right?" Sirius asked as he walked the next day beside a speed-walking James, his friend's usually light-hearted expression missing and a stormy one gracing his features instead. "James," he said, reaching out and grabbing his best friend's sleeve. "You're coming, right?"<p>

James brushed his hand off, not slowing. "Of course I'm bloody coming, stop worrying so much."

Sirius glared at his friend. "Stop worrying? Remus looks like shit, he's not been to class all day, don't tell me not to fucking worry."

James stopped, bringing them in front of the shifting staircase as he turned to face him. "Remus will be fine. Remus is _always_ fine, Sirius."

Sirius shoved his friend. "Stop being such a fucking asshole. So what, Evans turned you down for the millionth time, did you actually think she wouldn't?"

James shoved him back. "Fuck you, Sirius! All you ever do is wallow over Remus, and I'm not allowed to be put out when Lily turns me down in front of the entire House?"

"No, fuck you, James," Sirius snarled. "And maybe you shouldn't have asked her out in front of the _whole House, _if you didn't want to be turned down in front of them, because Evans is _never_ going to fucking date you! Get over it already!"

James swung, his fist hitting Sirius in the jaw soundly before he could react, and making him stumble back a couple steps. Sirius let out an angry growl. "You fucking bastard, you _hit me_!"

James shrugged. "You deserved it."

Sirius clenched his jaw and ran at his best friend, tackling him to the floor. "Fucking asshole, I hate you!" he shouted, punching James in the stomach and relishing in the groan that followed but only for a second when an elbow caught his chin, and he was knocked over onto his back. "Fuck!"

"You're a bloody bastard, Black!"

"My. My. My. What... do we have _here_? A lovers' quarrel?"

Two mops of black hair shot over at the smug voice, Sirius grabbing for his wand before one was raised at him.

"Don't," Severus Snape said, "move, Black."

"What the fuck do you want, _Snivelly_?" James growled, having gotten to his wand and holding it out as he pushed himself carefully off Sirius.

A smirk curled up the Slytherin's lips. "I've only come to gloat, of course."

Sirius pushed himself up, to stand beside James, whose hand was shaking ever so slightly. "You should know better than to pick a fight that you can't win, Snivels, James is a far stronger wizard than you, you should know that by now."

Dark brown eyes that almost looked black turned to Sirius. "Mind your own business, Black," he snapped, "this is between me - and _Potter_."

Sirius sneered. "That's a nice accent you've acquired, did you steal it off some purebloods?" he asked, a dark grin pulling up his lips when the Slytherin faltered for a second.

"Just turn around, Snivelly, and we'll pretend this never happened," James said, his voice tight, restrained.

Sirius frowned. "What, what do you mean - you're not going to fight him?"

James didn't respond, his expression hardening with a stubbornness that Sirius had seen many times.

"It won't work," Snape said, and when James's glare hardened further, he said, "We've both lost any chance we ever had, Lily won't forgive you any sooner than she'll forgive me."

A smile slowly pushed up the corners of James's mouth. "That's where you're wrong, Snivels. She will, because she expects me to act the way I do, but you - you'll _never _get her back, especially not after what you called her." He paused and then said: "Sirius draw your wand, you can handle him."

Sirius's hand shot into his shirt, pulling out the fifteen-inch wand, and he raised it as James's lowered. "Where you going?" he asked his friend.

James patted his shoulder as he pocketed his own wand. "Going to get pissed up, join me when you're finished."

"Yeah, okay mate," he said as he watched the Slytherin carefully, the sound of James's footsteps sounding behind him as he made his way up the stairs. "Guess it's just you and me again, Snivelly."

The wizard blinked. "Not today, Black."

Sirius let out a harsh laugh. "What do you mean 'not today,' you afraid?"

The Slytherin raised a single eyebrow slowly. "Not quite. I just don't have time to deal with you."

Grey eyes flashed, and Sirius took a step closer. "Listen here, you'd be wise not to talk to me like that."

"And why's that? What are you going to do about it?" The wizard sneered. "It's quite obvious you're only a detention or two away from another suspension. Missing your family that much, _Black_?"

Sirius clenched his teeth as the infuriating question whirled mockingly in his head, and he felt a numbness taking over his thoughts and body. He smiled widely, white teeth gleaming as he held back a growl. "You need to watch yourself, I'm _not_ James, I'll make you regret ever crossing me, suspension or not." It would be worth it.

Snape eyed him warily. "No, you're not anything like Potter, are you?" he asked in an overly thoughtful tone that put Sirius even more on edge.

His lips twitched, and fingers tightened around his wand. "No, I'm not," he said quietly, hating how the admission came so easily. "Why do you care so much?"

"Because I've noticed things about you, Black," Snape said, "disturbing things that Golden Boy Potter likes to pretend isn't there. He's blind when it comes to you - _and_ Lupin, for that matter."

And Sirius took another step closer, wanting to strangle the wizard if only he could get in arm's reach. "What do you mean by that?"

"I think we both know Lupin isn't the model student he pretends to be." He smiled slowly. "Is he feeling _ill_ again perchance? I didn't see him in class today."

Sirius's hand began to tingle as magic began to grow inside of him, coursing down his arm and waiting, a certain curse floating through his mind. "I don't know what that has to do with anything."

"He's ill a lot. Don't you _think_, he and his mother?" Snape asked in an air of nonchalance but for the smirk still on his lips. "And always near the full moon, curiously."

And Sirius slowly lowered his wand. He couldn't know. He was bluffing. "This has gotten a bit dull, James was right, you're really not worth the bother anymore," he said and made to leave.

"You think I won't figure it out?" Sirius froze. "I saw the four of you sneaking in the castle at sunrise last month, while he was _home_." Snape's voice grew more intense. "Something's not right with him. And when I find out what it is, what he's hiding, you'll _all_ pay dearly, because _you_ and _Potter_ and _Pettigrew_ are all obviously in on it somehow too."

Sirius scrambled. Remus would have to leave he was certain if Snape ever found out the truth, if he told anyone. And he and James and Peter, if what they had done was found out—He couldn't let any of that happen. He wouldn't. Snape needed to be taken care of, and soon, before he could figure it out and tell someone. But it would need to be where no one would find out - or stop him.

He turned back slowly. "I could tell you," he said, his voice suddenly soft as hatred coursed through ice-cold veins and swirled in darkened grey eyes. He tilted his head to the side and licked his lips, relishing the unsure look overtaking the Slytherin's face. "If you want to know that badly."

Snape eyed him warily. "And _why_ would you do that?"

Sirius shrugged, not quite holding back a smile. "Because it's no big deal, just a project he's been working on that requires the full for potion gathering and brewing, and we've all been pitching in, like best mates ought to."

The space between the Slytherin's brows creased, eyes narrowing. "A potion? Did Slughorn approve this?"

Sirius nodded, the grin coming out to play fully on his lips. He had him. "Of course he did, Snivelly, what do you take us for? Troublemakers?"

Snape studied him carefully. "I don't believe you."

And Sirius laughed, fury mixing with excitement, and making it hard to tell the difference at that moment. "I wouldn't believe me either," he said and took a step back. "But if you're curious, wait until sunset on Thursday and push the knob at the base of the Whomping Willow, and see for yourself. Whatever it is, you'll find out."—His grin widened—"Better watch out though, I might get ya."

He laughed again, and then continued to back away until he was sure the Sytherin was leaving and turned and bounded up the steps. He would take care of Snape himself before Remus ever got to him, and he would enjoy it.


	7. Chapter 7

**- Chapter 7 -**

* * *

><p>Sirius sat, picking at his dinner plate Wednesday night. He chanced a glance over at the Slytherin table.<p>

"Greg still ignoring you?"

Sirius picked up a grape and tossed it into his mouth. "Fuck you James." An arm wrapped around his shoulders. "And don't touch me."

James let out a loud laugh. "Don't be so pissy."

Sirius ignored him as he chewed, grey eyes shifting back to land on the Slytherin wizard without shame. He hadn't said a word to him in Potions, and maybe it was for the best. Because maybe there was still a chance—"Where's Remus?"

James sighed, his hand running up to give Sirius's hair an unwanted greeting before dropping. "Sirius. Remus is in the library with Lily and Pete."

Sirius turned slowly. "Why do you say it like that?"

James drew his lips to the side and then said in a careful tone, "I just think... maybe you should give Remus some space, mate. You know?"

"I _have_ been giving him space." He had avoided the wizard a painful amount for more than a month, and had really only interacted closely with him the day before when he had found him sick, and Remus had seemed appreciative. Sirius eyed his friend warily when the wizard shifted uncomfortably. "What aren't you telling me?"

"Nothing." James sniffed nonchalantly. "It's just..." He rubbed his hands together and then said abruptly, "Maybe you should skip the full tomorrow."

Sirius didn't move. "_Why_ would I do that?" he asked slowly.

James hummed uncertainly, placing both hands on the edge of the table as he avoided Sirius's gaze and then began to tap on it.

"_James_," he said more sharply. "Why the fuck would I do that?"

And then James let out a heavy breath and turned to him, his expression apologetic and making Sirius's heart drop into his stomach. "Sirius, listen..."

"Remus doesn't want me there?" he asked, already knowing the answer, but somehow still feeling the blow keenly when James nodded regretfully. Why wouldn't he want him there?

"He doesn't mean permanently. He might even change his mind, you know how moody he gets," he said quickly. Sirius pushed his plate back, and James sped up. "He's still your friend, he just needs a little space and–"

Sirius reached down for his bag, ignoring his best friend. Remus didn't want him there, and he hadn't even bothered to tell him in person. He nodded curtly as he stood up, anger beginning to lick at his chest. "All right, I won't go then," he said and then began to make his way for the door, not stopping at his friend's calls. He pushed the door to the Great Hall open to find the hallway empty but for a single retreating form, and his anger turned to determination.

"Oi, Zabini!" Sirius called out and then picked up his pace, almost breaking into a jog to catch up with the Slytherin. "Greg, wait up," he said when he drew close, grabbing hold of the wizard's sleeve to get his attention.

The Slytherin turned, his features seeming to be warring between aloof and agitated. "What do you need, Sirius? I'm not really in the mood for this."

Sirius glanced around, his expression one of confusion, and his hand still holding on to the wizard who had been very obviously avoiding him all day. "I—What?"

Greg let out a dry laugh, gaze flicking down to the stone floor between them. "You changed your mind. No need to explain it. I should've known better than to think we were on the same page." He started to pull away.

"Greg, no, I didn't mean to stand you up," Sirius said, and his grip tightened on the wizard, feeling like he didn't have much else to lose, but what he did the wizard was about to walk off with. He looked down at brown eyes, and his voice dropped. "I was going to come, but Remus," he said, internally grimacing when the wizard's expression hardened even more on his friend's name, "he wasn't feeling well, and I got caught up."

Greg pressed his lips tightly between teeth, nodding far too fast to not come across agitated. "Remus. Right. Of course." He tried to pull away. "Fuck that. Fuck _all this_."

"No wait, Greg, listen." Sirius guided him back a few steps to a recessed window, and hands ran up to tilt the wizard's face back up to meet his pleading gaze. "I'm really sorry. I didn't know you'd get upset. I wasn't even sure if it meant anything - us meeting up."

Greg rolled his eyes. "Don't lie to me, it's insulting."

Sirius didn't say anything right away. He had been pretty sure. "All right. I'm sorry," he said simply, and then he looked around the empty hall before shifting feet closer and bringing their bodies within inches of each other. "How 'bout I make it up to you?"

Greg eyed him, his expression wavering ever so slightly. "What'd you have in mind?"

Sirius smiled slowly, and he said in low voice, "Spend the night with me, and you'll find out."

"What about Remus?"

Sirius blinked slowly and let out a measured breath. "What about him?" he asked tersely.

Greg's expression softened at that. "I just mean, is that okay?"

Sirius felt a laugh escape his lips. Was it okay? And then he laughed again, but when Greg started to move away, he reigned himself in quickly and grabbed his arm again. "Greg," he said, trying for smooth, and then he leaned down, his lips brushing the wizard's in a whisper soft touch. "Remus and I are over." He felt a hand slide up his chest and settle on the side of his neck in a tentative fashion, and he pushed on. "There's nothing to worry about."

"You're sure?"

Sirius pressed his mouth gently against familiar but strangely foreign lips and ignored the tightening in his chest when his heart protested. "I'm sure," he said softly and then he was tugged closer again, and his mouth opened and a tongue met his, and it all felt wrong. He pulled back, his breath too fast between his lips, anxiety fluttering in his chest at the odd feeling. It was all wrong. All of it was wrong. No. No, he just needed to get familiar with the wizard again, that was all.

"Sirius. You all right?"

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, I just-" He swallowed hard and ran his hands slowly down the wizard's tone sides, his fingers reminding him of what they had once been when his mouth refused to. He gripped his hips and guided them forward as he rocked to meet him, and a throaty noise slipped from his lips that matched Greg's. "That's nice," he said, his voice growing husky, and the wizard nodded his agreement. He could do this. He needed to do this. He leaned down and began to nibble on soft skin. "So what do you say? Are you in or not?"

* * *

><p>Sirius's arms gave out, and he dropped on top of a heaving chest.<p>

"Fuck Sirius, you're heavy," Greg said with a grunt, no bite in his words but instead a smile, and then his arms wrapped around the wizard.

Sirius grinned at the hug, rubbing his face into the crook of his neck, and the expression widened when the wizard started to laugh and tried to get away. He had missed touching and being touched. "Still ticklish, Zabini?" he teased, settling his face back on the wizard's chest. He ran an index finger idly along smooth dark skin, and a scarred chest flashed in his mind unbidden, and then he remembered what he needed to do to keep Snape quiet—

"Something wrong?"

Sirius jerked himself back to the present. "Hm?" he hummed and began to trace his finger along the wizard's muscular chest again as he struggled to center himself, feeling off and something else not so great that he didn't want to entertain at that moment.

"I said, what are you thinking about?"

"Thinking?" Sirius hummed again. "I was thinking you've been spending too much time with the witches, Greg."

Greg huffed an easy laugh, making Sirius's smile return. "Don't be such a git. I just mean you're being quiet is all."

Sirius rolled off the wizard and lifted his lower half up to pull blankets down and then crawled under them. "I'm just worn out from all the shagging," he said and when Greg climbed under too, he scooted close and wrapped an arm around his chest like he had always done and kissed the back of his neck. "You're staying?"

Greg sighed. "Yeah, if you don't mind, I'm really tired."

Sirius placed another kiss and pressed in closer. "No, sounds good," he said quietly. He had been with Greg longer than Remus, maybe it would work, maybe it would help. "So you want to give this another go?"

He was met with silence.

"Us, I mean."

"Is that what you really want?"

Sirius nodded against his back. "I'd like that."

Greg lay quietly, his chest rising and falling softly under Sirius's arm, and just when the wizard thought he wasn't going to respond, he did. "All right... On one condition."

"Yeah?" Sirius licked his lips, his arms tightening around the wizard. "And what's that?"

"Let Remus go."

Greg rolled over and met Sirius's gaze when he didn't respond.

Sirius swallowed hard and looked away. _Let Remus go_, the words whirled in his mind like a threat. He didn't want to do that. He didn't know how to do that. He felt like he was a part of him, more a part of him than he was himself at times. Could you let something go that was a part of you? Did he want to? The suggestion alone made his chest ache and his heart hurt, and he felt scared and angry all at once. He met determined brown eyes, and his unease only grew. "I don't know if I can do that."

"You have to want to," Greg said quietly, and when Sirius nodded hesitantly, he continued, "I care about you, Sirius, and I know you don't care as much for me, but - you've gotta be willing to at least try. All I ask is you try. We could be happy together, I know it." He slid his hand up to rest over Sirius's galloping heart. "I'm willing to do this. All of it. You can get married to Greengrass, have a family, I won't say a word, but I want _this_," he said, his hand pressing firmly over Sirius's broken heart. "For real this time."

Sirius nodded again, his throat tightening and making his eyes burn. "Okay," he said in a rough voice and then cleared his throat. "Okay, Greg, I'll try." And then he was pulled in to a kiss, grey eyes falling shut, and he responded, ignoring the tempest of emotions in his chest. He would try.

* * *

><p>Sirius grinned, his finger trailing in spiraling circles down defined stomach muscles, and he leaned in to whisper into Greg's ear the next morning before breakfast as Peter scurried out of the dorm, the door clicking loudly behind him. "You look good enough to eat."<p>

Greg laughed, not pushing him away as they lay on Sirius's bed in pajama pants with the curtains open, Sirius having been teasing him for the past ten minutes with light touches and words of admiration. "Oh yeah?"

Sirius nodded his assent and then trailed his tongue lazily up the wizard's neck, his hand finally sliding down over generously tented pants and causing a gasp to fall from already panting lips. "Yeah, with whipped cream and a cherry on top."

"Fuck Sirius."

Sirius smiled widely as he began to nip at the wizard's ear, his palm pressing down more firmly, gripping, and causing a groan to rumble in Greg's chest. "Go away, James."

"Close your curtains asshole, this is my room too, you know."

"What's wrong Prongs? Jealous?" Sirius asked as he pushed himself up but only to swing a leg over the wizard and settle down over his pants and then press their equally excited parts together. He smiled down at a lust-ridden Greg, lids drooped and chin tilted back, his muscular neck arched as he gripped Sirius's hips tightly encouraging him to continue moving. "You like it when James watches?" he asked loud enough for his best friend to hear and then moved his hips so he slid over him in a way that he could make out his entire clothed member with his own.

"Christ Sirius. You're depraved."

Greg laughed through another groan. "Sorry James."

"That's a lie, he's not," Sirius said, and Greg laughed again as he leaned down. "I bet I can get you off like this," he said.

Greg didn't quite hold in a moan when he pressed against him again. "No. No way," he said in a breathy voice. "There's no way."

Sirius grinned gamely. "Let's see then, shall we?" He ignored a complaining James as he began to suck on the wizard's neck, rocking his hips against the wizard. "How's that feel?"

"Fine, just ignore me. I'm not leaving though."

Sirius laughed against warm skin when the wizard's fingers dug deeper into his hips at the declaration. "Looks like I'm not the only depraved one in here," he whispered as he began to double his efforts. "Come on Greg, come for James," he whispered.

"Fuck you, Sirius."

Sirius laughed into the wizard's neck as he continued to move, his body responding eagerly to the touch. "Maybe later," he called out to his friend.

Greg laughed, the sound throaty.

"Fine. Just do it."

Sirius looked up to see James watching them from his bed, leaning on his elbow with a begrudging grin playing at his lips. "You want to see it, Prongs?" he asked, his voice suddenly growing huskier as Greg began to whisper curses under his breath. "Do you?"

James's tongue flicked out to wet his lips, and he nodded with a slight incline of his chin. "Yeah, fuck it, let's see it."

"_Fuck_." Greg groaned and his back arched up. "Sirius," he gasped, drawing the wizard's attention back to him.

Sirius ran a hand up to his neck, as he continued to move over him. "You like that? Does that feel good?"

Greg groaned and leaned up, capturing his lips, mouths parting and their heated noises mixing together.

Sirius shifted his hips and lined them up perfectly dragging himself down across him and then pressing up against him with each thrust, the pressure making his eyes want to roll back into his head. He pulled lips back to murmur, "How bad do you want me?"

"So much, _so much_," Greg whispered back, and Sirius sped up at that. "I - I love you, Sirius," he whispered a little too loudly as his hips began to move seemingly of their own accord.

And then several things happened all at once. The door opened, James let out a startled noise, and Sirius groaned his own answering reply unthinkingly to the wizard under him as he came against him.

* * *

><p>"I think Zabini left this."<p>

Sirius looked up as he buttoned his shirt to find an expressionless Remus holding a striped green tie out to him as it lay draped over only his index and far away from his body. He bit down on his lower lip, holding back an apology and took the piece of Slytherin clothing. He hadn't meant for Remus to hear or see those things; he was only trying to move on. "Thanks," he said, forcing his tone calm, and then he placed it around his own neck before continuing to button his shirt, his fingers suddenly unsteady. Greg had left in a hurry along with James shortly after Remus had shown up, even after Sirius had pulled the curtains shut and silenced the bed they were sharing.

"Sirius."

"Hm?" He looked up when nothing more was said, and what he saw made his heart skip a beat. Remus looked angry. No not angry, but something very similar, and he was clearly trying to hide it. "Yeah Remus?" he asked, his tone a little too soft despite his best efforts.

"Do you - do you really _like_ him?"

And the words pierced straight through his chest. Because he knew what he had heard. He wanted to say no and grab him and kiss him, and tell him he'd only ever love him, that no one could ever take his place. He looked down and began to do up the Slytherin tie around his neck instead. Remus didn't want to hear that, he didn't even want his help anymore. "Yeah, I really do." He tried to keep his gaze down, but he found himself somehow looking into hazel eyes.

"_Already_?" Remus asked, and he took a step closer.

Sirius watched in disbelief as Remus's hand reached up and settled on his chest, and he felt his resolve begin to crumble as his heart tried its best to burst out of his chest to jump into the wizard's hands so he could destroy what was left of it. Fuck.

Sirius forced himself to nod as he stood planted in place, his feet refusing to move him away and his traitorous heart banging against his ribs, but he resisted the urge to touch him back. "Yeah. And I should tell you, we're dating again. Exclusively."

"Exclusively." Remus's eyes remained trained on the tie, an odd expression overtaking his features that made Sirius worry he might be planning to strangle him with it. "Exclusively," he said the word again as if it were foreign to him somehow.

Sirius nodded dumbly. "Yeah, I—"

"Good for you," he said so quietly that Sirius almost didn't make it out. And then his hand dropped, and he took a step back. He cleared his throat and ran a hand roughly through his hair, something shifting in his expression that set Sirius more on edge. Stoic hazel eyes met pained grey orbs. He spoke up, his voice sounding almost completely normal. "Good for you, I'm happy for you, Sirius."

Sirius frowned. "You're. You're happy for me?" he asked, the sentiment making him furious for some reason. He didn't know a lot about relationships, but he was pretty sure the wizard shouldn't be fucking happy for him, because it hurt like hell to hear it.

Remus nodded in a nonchalant fashion. "Yeah, I am. You and Greg are a good match."

Sirius started to argue with the statement but then stopped, because why would he do that. He turned and made his way for the door, his hand settling heavily on the handle. He let out a slow breath, forcing his emotions down. "Listen Remus," he said quietly, not looking back, "Be careful tonight, don't let James take you out," and then he opened the door, not waiting for a response as he made his way out.


	8. Chapter 8

**- Chapter 8 -**

* * *

><p>Sirius leaned his head back and took a swig from the half-empty bottle of firewhiskey in his hand as he stood on the astronomy tower late on Thursday, grey eyes scanning the grounds under a changing sky of red, orange and blue. Less than an hour until sunset.<p>

He took another drink, the burning welcome as it filled his chest. He laughed. He hated Snape. Snivels. Snivelly. He hated everything about him. He hated how he had been sorted into Slytherin and acted like he was better for it. He hated how the wizard always watched him and his friends. He hated how he thought it sport to get him in trouble with his parents. He hated how he spoke so hatefully about Remus. His jaw clenched. The wizard had it out for Remus, and he wouldn't care if he ruined his life one bit. He would find it amusing, and would do the same to Sirius and James and Peter if he could. An unbreakable vow wasn't enough, not this time.

He pulled the long black wand from his inside pocket and eyed it carefully, imagining it conjuring the green smoked curse. He wondered if it had been used for that before. Probably, it was a family heirloom. He felt a tug of discomfort and took another swig.

"Hey, I thought I might find you up here."

Sirius tucked the wand back in his pocket. He didn't look over as he took another drink. "Hey Prongs."

James stopped beside him. "Pads." He pulled out a pack of cigarettes, taking one and lighting it before holding them out to Sirius in offering.

"No thanks," he said and took another drink. He looked over to his friend. "What are you doing out here, shouldn't you be getting ready for the night?"

James blew a cloud of smoke out of the corner of his mouth. He shrugged and then tapped his cigarette over the edge, ash falling to the ground far below. "I've done it enough times, I know the drill. Pete's already there anyway."

Sirius nodded and looked back over the grounds. He took another drink, trying to wash away the sudden tension in his chest. He had seen the spell cast, had heard it spoken. It would be easy, simple. And then he'd never have to worry about him again.

"You okay?"

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, I'm fucking fantastic."

James exhaled. "You don't sound it."

Grey eyes shifted down to the stone banister. "What do you want me to say?"

James took another drag. He shrugged, and they stood in silence for a long moment. "You know," he said around a breath of smoke, "sometimes I wonder why Remus doesn't just haul off and hit me. I mean, I'd have done it to him if our positions were reversed."

Sirius didn't say anything. He didn't want to think about what James was referring to. He didn't want to think about any of it.

James sighed. "Sirius, you and I, we're lucky to have a friend like Remus. He's not always standing there telling us what we should or shouldn't do, but when we really mess up, he lets us know it. And he's clever about it too, I think if he did yell at me or hit me, I'd just ignore him. Hell, I'd probably just do it again to piss him off." He took another drag. "But he doesn't, he's quiet about it, but you still know you've messed up, and it's so much worse, and it makes you want to never do it again."

Sirius laughed. "Is this your way of breaking up with me, Prongs?"

James shot him a sheepish grin. "Maybe." He sniffed. "We shouldn't mess around like that anyway, it just fucks with my head."

Sirius quirked a small grin of his own. "Are you telling me that you're afraid you'll turn gay for me?"

James let out a laugh. "I'm saying, you're my best friend, and we should have lines if we want to stay that way."

Sirius sighed, a hand running up to smooth down black locks. "Yeah, you're probably right."

James sniffed. "You know though - I don't know why he doesn't try it with you, talking that is, not hitting." He laughed softly. "Because you'd actually listen, you're a better person than me, I think."

Sirius closed his eyes, fighting the feeling that was trying to take over his chest. Pain. He was in pain. "James, just shut up."

James took one last drag and then flicked the butt of his cigarette over the edge. "Why? Because you're upset Remus and you aren't together?"

Sirius sucked in a slow breath. "Remus is better off without me."

James frowned at that. "Listen Sirius, you and Remus - you two aren't together, because you and I fucked up. No other reason."

Sirius felt his breath hitch, and he opened grey eyes to meet James's level gaze. "Are you trying to fuck with me tonight?"

James shook his head. "No, I just think you should stop feeling so sorry for yourself."

Sirius placed the bottle of firewhiskey on the banister, straightening himself to his full height. "James, I've lost Remus. I had him, and I lost him, and like you said, it's all my fault," he said, his voice rising, "and you're telling me to stop feeling _sorry_ for myself?"

James nodded. "Yeah. I am."

Sirius felt a laugh rip from his chest. "Fuck you, James."

James shook his head. "I'm not trying to upset you, but you've got your head shoved so far up your ass you're letting him get away."

Sirius took a step forward as he glared down at his friend. "I've already lost him," he said, thinking his friend had clearly lost his mind. "You told me to date, to _move on_. You said Zabini was good for me. Remember?"

James laughed. "Yeah, well I was wrong."

Sirius closed his eyes, trying to hold back the sudden anger that had roared to life in his chest. "And how's that?"

"I don't know, I can just see it."

Grey eyes flashed open angrily. "I like Greg."

James nodded, black eyebrows lifting. "Yeah, but do you love him?"

Sirius scoffed, "Of course I don't, we just got back together!"

James said nothing, his expression not in the least surprised.

Sirius blinked. "I-I mean—" And guilt poured over him. "I-"

"Sirius." James's hand landed heavily on his shoulder. "I'm not judging you."

And Sirius blinked again. "I didn't mean to lie to him," he said quietly.

James nodded. "I know that, Greg knows that."

Sirius felt his mind begin to weaken. "I could... I'm trying to."

James's other hand landed on his opposite shoulder. "You shouldn't have to try. It's not how it works."

And Sirius shook his head. "I can't break up with him, James, I promised him."

James let out a heavy sigh. "I'm not telling you to break things off. I'm telling you to stop making the same mistakes, because I'm tired off seeing you get hurt. You deserve to be happy."

Sirius gave his head a firm shake at that, the alcohol in his head doing funny things to his thoughts and making him want to agree with his friend's words. "I don't deserve anything, I'm fucked up." He pulled away from his friend's grip and turned back to face the school grounds. He swallowed hard. "I'm a fucked up bastard, James."

James laughed from behind him. "Aren't we all?"

Sirius shook his head. "No, not like me." He turned to his friend. "I'm a bad person, Prongs, really bad."

James's expression slowly grew concerned as hazel eyes searched the wizard's face. "What do you mean?" he asked in a cautious voice that made Sirius want to laugh.

So he did. "I've done bad things, things that would put me in Azkaban if anyone ever found out. And I'm _not_ talking about becoming an animagus."

James looked over his shoulder, scanning the empty space and then back to Sirius. "Sirius... What are you talking about?"

And Sirius felt like screaming. He shook his head, trying to rid himself of the maddening feeling. He was losing it. He met his friend's gaze. "I'm talking about how I've crucio'd people, and watched someone be murdered." James's expression slowly started to shift, to darken. "You know, my dad used the killing curse on my uncle right in front of me, and then we hung out together afterward?" He caught the growing look of concern marring his friend's features, and he laughed again, the action making his chest ache. "Don't worry it's been a couple years."

James's eyes widened, and he shifted closer. "Sirius," he said, his voice sounding pained, "why didn't you tell me this before?"

Sirius shrugged, a sad smile pulling at his lips. "Because,"—He licked his lips—"because I thought you'd hate me if I did."

James moved even closer. "Sirius, listen to me, you need to get out of that house, you can't go back there. Your family-"

Sirius shoved him back a step, frustration tinting his words with anger. "I _can't_ leave, James. My parents wouldn't let me just _leave_." He laughed again, the sound almost like a growl. "I deserve to be there anyway, I'm just like them."

James shook his head, adamantly. "No - no you're not. You're _nothing_ like them. You hear me? They've made you think that, but it's not true. It's not, Sirius. You're not like that, I know you."

Sirius let out an angry growl. "You're wrong! I am. You don't know me James, you don't know me at all! Snape said he was going to figure out what we were all up to every full, and so you know what I did?"

And James shook his head, a look of apprehension slowing the movement and softening his words. "No, what'd you do, Sirius?"

Sirius looked down at his friend and sneered, "I told him about the passage under the Whomping Willow. _I told_ him how to get to Remus tonight so I could _kill him_ in the tunnel, I _want_ to kill him..." he drifted off, his chest rising and falling quickly as his pulse raced, his emotions a tangled mess as he realized what he had just said.

James blinked. "You what?"

Sirius shook his head, confusion messing with his thoughts. "I—"

And James turned and took off at top speed, cursing as he did.

Sirius frowned and then looked out just in time to see the last colors of the sunset, the sky almost completely a dark blue. He took off after his friend.


	9. Chapter 9

**- Chapter 9 -**

* * *

><p>"Where is he?" James's gaze swung wildly around the darkened Hogwarts' grounds, the Whomping Willow still yards away, standing frozen and half bent over, under a clouded sky. "Where the hell is he? He couldn't really be thick enough to go in there."<p>

Sirius shook his head, his side cramping under the combination of sprinting and alcohol. It had been what he had hoped for, but not like this. "I don't know. I - Maybe he's gone already, found the trap door and didn't have the nerve to go in."

"Shit. _Shit._" James cursed again, a hand scrubbing through wild hair. "You had better hope so for Remus's sake," he said brusquely, and he began to make his way towards the tree, Sirius following by his side. "Oh fuck," he said, pulling up just short of the tree's reach, when it suddenly sprung to life.

"I've got it." Sirius felt his body begin to vibrate and then he bounded forward on four oversized black paws, ducking from a low swinging branch, another grazing his side with claw-like limbs as he bumped the stump with his nose. His body warmed, and he was standing on two feet once more as he dropped into the tunnel. He pulled out his wand as James slid in behind him, and he whispered a _lumos_, the tunnel slowly revealing itself under the warm glow, his shirt sticking to his side where the tree had gotten him. James's hand landed on his shoulder.

"If we find him, I'll take care of him, okay?"

Sirius took a step forward but stopped when the hand tightened on his shoulder, holding him back.

"I'll take care of him, Sirius. _Okay_?"

"_Okay_," he said, pulling away, and he began down the path, speeding up when it became apparent the tunnel was empty. He felt his chest clench as he neared the end to find the trap door ajar, and he picked up his pace to a sprint for the last few strides, his steps muffled by the soft dirt path. They still had at least fifteen minutes, he was sure. It would be fine. It would be fine, the clouds were thick.

The trap door swung fully open above him, a silencing charm padding its fall, James's voice sounding behind him, doing the job. Sirius placed his wand between his teeth and then grabbed onto the floor of the Shrieking Shack and pulled himself up, to find the room empty. He pushed himself upright as he peered around the space, wand in his hand once more as James climbed out of the tunnel, both listening.

The two wizards eyed each other silently, and then a loud crash sounded from above. James pointed to the stairs and Sirius nodded before the two began to make their way quickly over creaking floorboards and up the bending staircase, and then a squeaking rodent ran between Sirius's feet and into the living room below, disappearing.

"Peter, you bloody rat!" he hissed and shoved past James and bounded up the last few steps when he heard another louder bang come from upstairs, followed by a familiar voice. He was down the hallway and to the last door before he knew it, and he peered in to find Remus leaning against a long beat-up dresser, groaning and holding his side.

"You think you're so smart, Snape?" Remus said in an odd voice, he sounded amused. He let out a bubbling laugh.

Sirius's eyes widened, and he pushed the door open carefully to find the Slytherin with his wand out and pointed at Remus's chest. "You've lost it, Lupin, thinking you can take me without your wand?" And Remus laughed again, giddily, causing a look of unease to spread across the Slytherin's face.

Sirius took a cautious step in, his wand on the distracted wizard. "Snape. You need to leave _now_."

Snape's gaze swung to the doorway. "Potions," the wizard scoffed, not seeming concerned by the set of wands pointed at him. "I don't see any potions, Black. Just your _friend_ here who's gone a little mad, oh, and Pettigrew outed you all when I pulled my wand..." A dark smile curled thin lips. "He turned into a _rat_ and took off. Animagi? You'll do time in Azkaban for this, _all_ of you."

Sirius didn't say anything, his attention shifting to Remus as he slumped over even more on the dresser, his eyes glassy and not fully there as he snarled at the Slytherin.

"Tell me Lupin," Snape drawled. "What do you turn into? A lap dog?"

Remus let out a sharp laugh, eyes darkening under wild sandy locks, an uncharacteristically wide smile playing at his lips as he gasped for air. "Go to hell, Snape."

James stepped in further. "You didn't see this, Snape."

"Or what?" the wizard snapped. "What are you going to do about it, _Potter_? Another unbreakable vow?" he asked. "I'll find a way around it, I'm not a _fool_."

"Snape, this isn't the time," James said, moving around Sirius and placing himself between the Slytherin and a gasping Remus. "We're trying to help you, just leave now before you get hurt. Remus is sick, just leave."

Snape's eyes narrowed as he studied the gasping sandy blond. "He is sick, isn't he? What's _wrong_ with him?"

And Remus started to laugh again, his voice hoarse. "Just let him stay, James, he obviously wants to. We can all have a _fine_ time together."

Sirius's eyes widened at the words, the feral look in Remus's eyes growing. "_James,_ get him out of here now, or I will."

The Slytherin took a step forward. "Listen here, Black, if you think-"

And then a scream filled the room as it ripped from Remus's lips, and Sirius ran towards him, grabbing around his waist when he started to fall and lowering him carefully to the floor, his body shaking and his eyes turning darker by the second, changing. "Remus, hold on for a minute, just hold on for another a minute. Hurry it up James!"

"What have you three done to Lupin?"

Remus began to convulse in Sirius's arms, the clouds shifting outside and thinning around the full moon, its yellow light slowly bleeding through more and more.

"_Sirius_," the werewolf gasped, his fingers digging into the wizard's arms and bruising the skin. "Sirius, don't leave me."

Sirius shook his head, his chest aching and head spinning. "I won't Remus, I promise." He held him tighter as another scream filled the air, and then Remus let out a low feral growl as his gaze trained fully on the Slytherin still in the room. "It'll be okay. It'll be okay."

"He's a _what_?" And then there was cursing and thudding footsteps, and the door slammed shut with a bang.

Remus groaned again and his body began to shake harder as heavy footsteps trailed down the hallway. "I'm going to kill him," he gasped out. "I'm going to kill him, Sirius," he said, his words murderous and feeling like stabs to Sirius's chest.

"No. I won't let you," he said and then teeth gritted together as Remus let out another cry, and then his hands began to shift. "I'll stop you," he said and when the werewolf lost his grip, Sirius felt his own magic morph and swell inside him, and he found himself staring into golden orbs of darkness. A low rumbling growl made his hackles raise, and he took a slow step back on large black paws to block the wolf's path, ears pinned and lips pulling back to reveal sharp canines as much larger ones snapped at him - and then they grabbed hold. He yelped and spun away, loosing razor sharp teeth from his neck, and he turned just in time to see the wolf barrel towards the door, slamming against it, and it giving under the force of the giant grey wolf.

Sirius took off after him, running over broken door splinters and gaining on him as he bounded down the stairs. He was almost on him when he saw James pushing Snape into the trap door, jumping in after him as Remus tore into the room, and Sirius lunged forward, and his teeth sunk into the werewolf's hind left leg, a pained howl piercing the wizard's somewhat canine brain. He held tight, holding him back until the trap door slammed shut and glew a brilliant blue, and then he let go.

He heard a growl, and then claws and teeth were on him almost instantly, and he let himself be knocked to the dusty wooden floor, not fighting back. He deserved it, and it was him or Remus. A silent whimper left his chest as heavy paws held him down, and teeth began to tear into him. It was for the best.

* * *

><p>"What are you doing here?" The words were said in a whisper.<p>

Sirius shifted on something soft, and a groan left his lips as his mind tried to make sense. He hurt. He hurt everywhere, like his insides were bruised.

"I just want to make sure he's okay, James."

"He is. You know he is-"

"No I _don't_! Look at him!" was hissed, "He let me do that, he _let_ me do that to him, James, and he didn't even fight back! He's not all right!"

"Remus, listen, I know you're upset, but it's probably best if you're not here when he wakes-"

"He can stay," Sirius mumbled, grey eyes finally opening to find the area dark and Remus and James standing at the end of his bed, with matching surprised expressions.

"_Sirius_," James said, seeming to pull himself from the stupor Remus was still stuck in and moved towards him, quickly closing the gap. He stopped by his bedside. "You're awake."

Sirius laughed and then groaned, regretting both actions, and his eyelids fell back shut. "I feel awful."

"You look awful."

And Sirius managed a tight grin. "What happened?"

"You-"

"Remus, not right now," James said sharply, his tone warning.

Sirius looked over to meet hazel eyes that seemed to pierce straight through him and make his aching lungs want to give up already. "...Give us a minute, would ya, James?"

James opened his mouth-

"It's okay, Prongs," he said, grimacing as he shifted on the bed, his side aching. "We're all friends here."

James eyed Remus at that, his expression dark. "Yeah, yeah you're right, we're all _friends_," he said coolly, glaring at Remus as he left.

Sirius closed his eyes again, tilting his head back and letting out a slow breath. "What happened?" he asked quietly.

"A lot."

Sirius opened his eyes to see the sandy blond peering down at him. "Sirius, why'd you let me do this?"

Sirius shrugged, his gaze falling away. "You're tough."

"_Sirius_."

Sirius met hazel eyes again. And he said simply, "Because I deserved it."

Remus shook his head and let out a whisper of an unamused laugh. "Don't say things like that, what are you trying to do to me?" He sat down on the edge of the hospital bed. "I could have killed you," he said, his voice quietly tense, "Sirius, you would have died if James hadn't come back for you."

Sirius let out a quiet breath. "Remus, I'm sorry. I never meant for Snape to get in there, it wasn't the plan."

Remus nodded. "I know that." And then he said more softly, "What _was_ your plan, Sirius?"

Sirius let out another heavy breath. "James didn't tell you?"

"He did." And Remus climbed onto the bed beside him at that, laying his head on Sirius's shoulder and then wrapping an arm around his chest carefully to the wizard's surprise. "Sirius, I'm - I'm sorry I haven't been here for you lately, I feel like this is all my fault."

Sirius swallowed hard, his chest aching, and warming at the same time. He resisted turning his face and resting it against the wizard's head of hair. "It's not. You're not responsible for me, Remus," he said quietly as he stared up at the stone ceiling. "None of what happened was your fault."

"Greg stopped by earlier."

Sirius closed his eyes. "Ah." Then they lay quietly for a few beats.

"He was... pretty upset - I think. It's hard to tell with Slytherins."

Sirius smiled at the almost playful words, and he gave in, turning and settling his face against soft sandy locks and breathed in slowly. He smelled so good. "I'm glad you came."

"Of course I did," he said in a voice that made Sirius feel like he hadn't really had any other choice.

"Remus, this wasn't your fault. You had no control."

"Why didn't you fight back?"

Sirius sighed. "I didn't want you to get any more hurt." And then he remembered—"Snape, he knows. What happened?"

Remus lay silently for a long moment, a finger brushing Sirius's side, and then he said, "Dumbledore quieted him, about me, and you all too. But he's not happy."

He closed his eyes. "Remus, I'm so sorry," he said again and felt the wizard tense beside him. "About everything. Everything I've done lately to make you not want me around."

Remus shifted closer. "Sirius," he said, his tone careful, "do you want to know why I didn't do anything after you and James?"

Sirius wasn't so sure he did want to know, not just then at least. He just wanted to lay there with him, and pretend like none of it had ever happened. "Why?" he finally asked in almost a whisper.

"Because I." Remus paused. "I didn't want to lose you. I didn't want to lose you, and look at where we are now."

Sirius ran the back of his hand along the wizard's arm. "Remus, you haven't lost me."

"It feels like I have," he said in a soft voice filled with regret. "We aren't even friends anymore, Sirius. Do you know how that makes me feel?"

Sirius lay quietly, his chest aching sharply at the words. "I think I have an idea."

Remus's hand slid up Sirius's neck and into his hair, and the wizard let out a wistful sigh as fingers ran over his head. "I want to be here for you. I shouldn't have kept you away for the full, it wasn't because I didn't want you there.. I was just worried."

Grey eyes met close hazel ones. "About what?"

Remus looked down. "That I'd hurt you." He didn't say anything for a few beats. "I've been so angry with you lately, and I thought it might be worse when I was transformed, and I knew I wouldn't have any control if things went badly."

"Why didn't you tell me that?" he asked softly, wishing just then he had never gone after Greg that day. "Why'd you have James do it?"

Remus didn't respond.

"Why Remus?"

And Remus looked back up at him, hazel eyes shining. "Because after the time we spent in the library, it was so nice, and I - I've just missed—Sirius, I was afraid if I was around you, I'd lose it. Beg you to take me back."

Sirius stared blankly, thinking he must have misheard. "Take you back?" he asked, disbelief numbing his words.

Remus nodded, gaze dropping again. "I - I still love you Sirius, even if we aren't together, and I miss you all the time. It hurts always being away from you."

Sirius wrapped his arm around the wizard more firmly, hugging him, not sure what to say. "I miss you too," he finally managed, and then he felt the blond's chest begin to shake ever so slightly against him, and he let out a slow breath as he fought to keep his own steady. "Let's stop this, this fighting or whatever it is we're doing. We can go back to how we were before." He paused, the wizard's words from seconds before clicking in his mind; Remus had been afraid they'd get back together—"Best friends, right?" he forced out.

Hazel eyes trailed up slowly, studying him for a long moment. Remus barely nodded. "Yeah, I'd really like that." And then an unsure look flickered across his face. "Is - is that what you want?"

And Sirius pulled him close once more, ignoring his protesting body as he hugged Remus against him, breathing in his scent and hiding the pain in his eyes. "More than anything, Remus."


	10. Chapter 10

Author's Note: This post is a thank you to **writhen heart** for the story she wrote for me called _Magic. _It is such wonderful WolfStar, and you _all_ _really_ need to go read it, because it is fantastic and inspiring. You'll love it.

* * *

><p><strong>- Chapter 10 -<strong>

* * *

><p>"Sirius, I see you're feeling better?"<p>

Sirius cleared his throat. "Yes, Headmaster," he said politely as he stepped off the spiral staircase and into the tower. He forced leaden feet to move toward the old wizard, who was sitting behind his oversized desk, hands by his sides, not clenching and unclenching under his direct orders.

"Good. Please, have a seat, Sirius," Dumbledore said warmly, motioning with a soft wave of his hand to a familiar overstuffed chair that had only just appeared across from him. The wizard slid a silver tray away from himself and towards the approaching young wizard. "Lemon drop?"

"No thank you, sir," Sirius said as he sat down in the Gryffindor-hued seat. "You wanted to see me?"

The old wizard clasped his hands together and met his gaze, blue eyes suddenly quite serious. "I did. And I'm sure you know why."

Sirius looked down at his lap. He nodded, the movement slight under uncooperative muscles, tension builidng in them as the gravity of the situation hit him squarely. James had said the headmaster hadn't mentioned their illegal animagi work when he had met with him after taking Sirius to the infirmary, but he did say the wizard had questioned him about Sirius, and how Snape had found Remus on the full. And he had been honest. He waited in silence for the headmaster to suspend or expel him.

"Sirius, I'm not going to suspend you."

Sirius looked up at the unexpected words, his expression surprised but wary.

"Or expel you," the wizard added. "And do you know why?"

Sirius shook his head slowly, dark eyebrows furrowing as he tried to hold back the relief trying to wash over him in waves and dull his senses.

"Do you want to know why?" was asked.

Sirius found himself nodding and meeting twinkling blue eyes.

The wizard let out a weighted breath and then said, "Because I do not believe in punishing someone who has done no wrong."

Sirius frowned.

"Mr. Snape is insistent that you were trying to have him killed by your friend. Is that true?"

"No sir," he said quickly, "I wasn't. I-"

Dumbledore held up a silencing hand as he nodded slowly in acceptance. "I take the blame for placing Mr. Lupin somewhere he could be reached so easily."

Sirius's gazed trailed back down to his hands. "Sir, I'm not entirely innocent though."

"No?" the wizard asked curiously.

Sirius shook his head, swallowing around the lump in his throat. "No." He took in a deep breath to let it out slowly. "I might not have intended Remus to attack him. But... I had my own plans," he admitted quietly.

"And why were you not successful?"

Sirius frowned at that. He remembered his second thoughts on the astronomy tower, and then how he had been more worried about Remus than anything in the Shrieking Shack. And to be honest, he didn't even want to kill the Slytherin anymore and was glad he hadn't, not after hearing Remus just putting voice to his thoughts and knowing how it felt to hear them. He didn't want to do that to his friends. He looked down at his hands resting in his lap. "I don't know, sir, but I'm not innocent... I know that."

"Sirius-" The headmaster peered at him over his glasses, waiting for the wizard to look up before continuing. "Thoughts are not punishable, no matter how misguided or dark. One is only held accountable for their actions. That is something I myself took a very long time to figure out, and you would be wise to take my word on it."

Sirius nodded slowly, an uneasy feeling tugging at his thoughts. "Yes, sir."

* * *

><p>"Hey Greg-" Sirius was cut off when lips met his, and insistent hands slid up his chest and onto his neck, the Slytherin pushing him back, pressing him against the wall just outside the infirmary, Sirius having finally gotten a clean bill of health from the mediwitch shortly after returning from his visit with the headmaster.<p>

"I was coming to see you," Greg whispered and then began to kiss him again, his mouth opening and hands sliding down slowly, trailing along the wizard's torso greedily.

Sirius groaned when fingers slid down further to curl around his slacks' waist line, dipping underneath and brushing sensitive skin. "Were you?" he asked breathily. He glanced around, the hallway empty.

Greg nodded, leaning his body up against his and brushing the front of his slacks against Sirius's, two sets of moans filling the hallway. "I've missed you."

Sirius laughed roughly. He cupped the back of the wizard's neck and pulled him closer, holding him just barely out of his lips' reach. "How much? How much have you missed me?"

Greg smiled slowly, revealing perfectly straight white teeth. "I could show you. If you're interested."

Sirius nodded quickly. "I am. Very."

* * *

><p>Sirius groaned a half hour later as a tongue ran over him teasingly, trailing a circle along his tip. "Fuck Zabini," he breathed. "Just suck it already."<p>

Greg laughed and blew a stream of air, his breath feeling cool on moistened skin, making another groan slip from Sirius's lips. He leaned down further and slid his tongue widely along the bottom of Sirius's length. Intense brown eyes flicked up, meeting hooded grey ones, and the Slytherin said in a quiet voice, "You said you loved me the other day." And then he trailed his tongue from base to tip again, making Sirius's hips lift off the bed as he moaned at the touch. "Do you really?"

Sirius breathed heavily. "I, uh," and then the wizard's mouth wrapped around him and slowly enveloped him in a sweet warmth. "I-" He cursed under his breath when the wizard began to bob over him, his muscular arms holding his body above him, looking far too good for Sirius to voice the answer pacing truthfully in his mind. "Fuck Greg." He groaned, and his hands settled on the wizard's head, and he held him steady as he began to push up into the wizard's mouth with small thrusts, his breathing growing more ragged by the second. He needed more. It wasn't enough. "Can I fuck you?" he asked.

The wizard pulled back, licking swollen lips as he eyed Sirius. "Yeah, yeah okay," he said and began to make his way up towards him.

Sirius grabbed him when he moved to lie down beside him and pulled him into a kiss, moaning at the taste of himself on the wizard's tongue. He rolled him onto his back as he grabbed the tube under his pillow, preparing himself with one hand as he continued to kiss the wizard.

Lips parted. "Do you, Sirius?" the Slytherin asked, guiding the wizard's slick hand between his legs.

Sirius's eyes fell shut as he pushed a finger into the wizard. "Oh, that's nice," he said and then pushed in another. He met chocolate eyes, and he swallowed around a lump in his throat. "Do you love me, Greg? Really love me?" he asked, his voice rough and then he spread his fingers.

Greg groaned. He nodded adamantly. "I do - have... for so long, I've tried to stop, but I can't, I'm sorry."

Sirius dipped his chin towards his chest, the latter body part constricting at the words as he slowly pulled out. "Don't apologize," he said, his words a soft rebuke, and he grasped himself, his pulse galloping and his heart pounding. He didn't. He knew he didn't. But he felt something for him. He lined himself up, and met the wizard's gaze. "I want to," he said finally, softly. "Is that enough?"

Greg's chest rose and fell quickly, his expression unchanging. He nodded. "For now it is," he said and then pulled Sirius closer. "Fuck me, Sirius," he whispered, and he met Sirius's lips, the Gryffindor obliging.

* * *

><p>Sirius tapped a restless finger on the wooden table top before him. He sat across from a quiet Remus in the library in one of the back corners late on the Friday night, the weekend before Owl's. Remus hadn't said anything since he had arrived almost an hour before. He shouldn't be complaining, they were spending time together again and got along for the most part. He should be happy, thrilled. Ever since his stay in the hospital, he and Remus had spent more days than naught together, in class and in the library, but he had spent his nights with Greg.<p>

He chanced a glance at the wizard and then slowly leaned down towards his collar and breathed in as softly as he could.

"What are you doing?"

Sirius started, looking up to meet amused hazel eyes. "I, uh—_Nothing_."

Remus quirked a halfway smile. "I see." He looked back down at his book and began to read again.

Sirius looked down at the DADA book he had yet to read and then back up to the sandy blond. He swallowed hard. "Are you upset with me?"

Remus shook his head. He turned the page to his book.

Sirius chewed on the inside of his cheek. "Are you sure?"

Remus slowly tilted hazel eyes up. "Why would I be upset with you?"

Sirius shrugged, holding in his response. If Remus didn't know he and Greg were shagging, he didn't really want to tell him. And that was assuming he would even care. He began to chew on the inside of his lip.

"Sirius, there you are."

Sirius's gaze jerked up to find a certain tall Slytherin walking towards his and Remus's table. He held back the unhappy look trying to overtake his expression and plastered a smile firmly in place to greet the wizard. "Hey Greg," he said smoothly, and the Slytherin took the seat beside him.

"All right Remus?" Greg asked in a genial tone.

Remus's gaze shifted up slowly again. "Hello Greg," he said, no inflection in his words.

The wizard didn't seem to notice as he scooted closer to Sirius and looked down at his book. "How's the studying coming along?" His hand slid under the table and onto Sirius's leg.

Sirius cleared his throat and resisted shifting away. "Ah, good. Yeah, Remus and I've been here a while."

Greg hummed, and his hand slid higher on the wizard's thigh. "That's good." He gave it a squeeze, and Sirius startled. Greg laughed softly. "You seem tense."

Sirius nodded, resisting looking over at the sandy blond, afraid what he'd find. "Yeah, reading does that to me." He felt the wandering hand slide up his thigh, and then it dipped in and touched—"_Listen_ Greg," he said quickly as his own hand grabbed the wizard's, moving it away from a certain body part it had brushed. "I'll catch up with you later, okay? I won't be much longer."

Greg removed his hand and nodded, his expression thoughtful. "Yeah, okay." He stood up at that, stretching and his shirt pulling across straining muscles. Sirius found his eyes trailing up the wizard's body as he did. Greg grinned down at him and winked. "You know where to find me."

Sirius nodded slowly. He cleared his throat. "Yeah, I'll see you soon." He adjusted himself discreetly.

Greg smiled more widely at that. "Good." He fiddled with his tie, smoothing the silky green material down as he eyed Remus across the table. "Good seeing you, Remus," he said with a friendly smile.

Remus's eyes narrowed, and he nodded just once. "Zabini," he said in an almost cold tone.

Greg glanced around the space and then leaned over quickly and whispered in Sirius's ear, "Don't keep me waiting too long." And then he placed a soft kiss discreetly on his ear before straightening back up and walking off.

Sirius watched him make his way down the aisle. Greg really was quite fit—

"I fucking hate him."

Sirius looked over at Remus, his eyebrows furrowing and grey eyes surprised at the muttered words. "What?"

Remus laughed and slammed his book shut, hazel eyes dark with some emotion. "You heard me. Zabini is an asshole."

Sirius blinked a few times. "What'd he ever do to you?"

Remus laughed again. "Fuck you, Sirius," he said and shoved his chair back.

"Remus, wait!" Sirius jumped up and grabbed the wizard's arm, pulling him around the corner of the table and towards him. "What's wrong?"

Remus growled and shoved Sirius with one hand back against the wall, holding him there easily, his palm almost painfully heavy on his chest. "You think I don't know what he's doing?"

Sirius swallowed hard, and then his tongue darted out to wet his lips. "I don't know what you're talking about Remus."

And Remus growled again and took a step closer. "This Sirius," he said, and then his other hand was sliding down Sirius's leg. "Does this ring a bell?" he asked in a suddenly soft voice, his hazel eyes growing darker.

Sirius shook his head, lying, as the wizard's hand left a trail of heat behind it that made the wizard want to groan. And so he did, quietly.

Remus shifted closer. "No?" he asked softly, his lips parted and gaze locked with his. "What about this?" he asked, and his hand slid in and _almost_ grazed a certain body member—

"Ohhhh," the sound slipped from Sirius's lips. "_Remus_," he said, his lips voicing the collective groan resonating through his needy body as the hand continued to tease it, and he responded painfully to the missed touch.

"I know his girlfriend was the reason you and James kissed," Remus said as he shifted even closer, his lips inching closer to Sirius's. "Don't you find that just a _little_ odd?"

Sirius shook his head as his heart pounded like it might stop if the wizard let him go. "It wasn't his fault, Remus, he wouldn't do that," he whispered.

"Don't be a fool, Sirius," Remus snapped, eyes flashing. "Greg's not as good of a person as you think."

Sirius tried to think as he stood pressed up against the wall. "Remus, I was the only one at fault, not Greg - or James. Me. I did that to you, no one else," he said, forcing the words from an aching chest, and then Remus took a step back, and he let out a pained sigh as he breathed freely once more, wishing back the discomfort if it meant Remus would stay and hating himself a little for it.

Remus stood quietly for a long moment, and then he shook his head. "You're wrong," he said quietly and then his expression shifted for a split-second, a look overtaking his features that made Sirius want to pull him into a hug and never let go. But then he turned away, and Sirius watched on as the werewolf gathered his books and then left, leaving him leaning against the wall of books, alone.

* * *

><p>"Sirius. Sirius, <em>wake up<em>."

Sirius's eyes fluttered open at the insistent voice to meet unexpected brown orbs. "Remus?" he asked, confused.

The wizard before him moved away at the name and pushed himself up, sitting in a pair of boxers, his torso bare. "No. You were just dreaming," he said quietly, not looking back.

Sirius slowed his breathing as the still fresh dream flashed in his mind, Remus's heated skin and roughened voice still very real, and he forced his senses to take in his bed and the wizard who was actually there. He cursed mentally at himself, and then he realized something. He grimaced and reached for his wand under his pillow and cast a silent cleaning charm on himself. He slid it back under, and then he reached a hand up and placed it on the wizard's back in the quiet dark.

The wizard flinched away from the touch, and Sirius slowly dropped his hand, a heavy breath escaping his lips. "I'm sorry."

Greg shook his head. "You didn't do anything," he said just as quietly.

Sirius pushed himself up and leaned in, nuzzling against the wizard's neck apologetically. "You're not leaving, are you?" He kissed the wizard's neck gently. "Don't leave."

Greg let out a slow breath, his body relaxing somewhat as Sirius peppered his sleep-warmed skin insistently with soft caresses. "I won't," he said and then turned to meet the wizard's lips.

* * *

><p>Sirius walked beside James, Remus behind him with Peter, as the four Gryffindors made their way down the hallway leading to the Great Hall for breakfast on the first day of Owl's. Sirius scrubbed a hand through his hair and yawned widely. He hadn't been able to fall back asleep after his eventful dream.<p>

"Rough night?" James asked with a laugh. Sirius grunted in reply. "Let me guess. Was there a pea hidden under your mattress?"

Sirius shoved his friend half-heartedly. "Fuck you Prongs."

James jogged ahead a few steps, grinning widely, and pulled one of the tall doors to the Great Hall open. "After you, Princess," he said with a flourish of the hand.

Sirius flipped him off as he strolled into the Great Hall, Remus moving up beside him. Sirius glanced over. "Hey Remus," he said with a bigger smile than he felt, the night before's dream still weighing heavily on his mind.

Remus shot him a wry grin. "Princess Black," he said simply as they walked down the aisle between the Gryffindor and Hufflepuff tables.

Sirius's grin grew more genuine, and he draped an arm around his friend. "Don't encourage James, he'll start to think he's funny," he chided playfully, lips finding themselves tauntingly close to the wizard's ear. He shifted away slightly.

Remus laughed as they stopped at their regular seats near the end of the long table, pushing Sirius away, who quickly took the seat by the wizard instead of circling around to sit by James.

"Oi, you're in Peter's seat."

Sirius shrugged and grabbed himself a roll. "Yeah, he doesn't mind. Do ya Pete?"

Peter shook his head quickly as he followed a frowning James to the other side. "No, I don't mind at all."

Sirius sniffed. "You see? No biggie." His knee bumped Remus's under the table, and he pulled his leg in. He looked up at an unhappy James and took a large bite of his buttered roll. "What's wrong with you?"

James rolled his eyes and began to scoop food onto his plate. "Nothing," he mumbled, and Sirius grinned.

"Are you feeling okay today?"

Sirius looked over at Remus. "Yeah, I feel fine," he said softly and then cleared his throat and said in a more normal voice, "Why d'you ask?"

"I don't know, just wondering," Remus said quietly, looking away and down the Gryffindor table where the witches in their year were sitting.

Sirius took another bite, grey eyes flicking around the Great Hall when his gaze landed on an approaching red head. He swallowed his bite, black eyebrows furrowing as the witch stopped beside an unaware James. He opened his mouth to say something when Remus's hand landed heavily on his forearm. He looked over to see the wizard repressing a smile and shaking his head, the wizard's touch making his breathing spike almost instantly. "Wha-"

"James, could I talk to you for a minute?"

Sirius's head jerked back to see a wide-eyed James turning to look up at an unusually nervous-looking Lily Evans. "No," he whispered in disbelief.

"Yeah.. _Lily_?" James asked in a careful tone as he stared up at the red-headed witch.

The witch pressed lightly glossed-lips together and then said in a clipped tone, "Yes. My answer is yes."

James's mouth dropped open.

And Sirius let out a laugh, stopping short when Remus's hand tightened around his arm.

"What?" James asked, pushing himself up and looking down at the witch like he wanted to scoop her into his arms or something else equally ill-advised.

Lily closed her eyes tightly and said, "Yes... I'll go to Hogsmeade with you on Saturday."

"_This_ Saturday?" James took a step closer when she nodded. "You want to go on a date with me?" he asked, his voice filled with something not too unlike awe.

Lily nodded sharply. "Yes, I do. If you still want to, that is."

And then Sirius saw James's face break into a huge grin. "Of course I do," he said, and then he looked back at the table and then to the witch. "Do you, uh, would you like to sit with us?"

Lily bit down on the corner of her lip, hesitating only for second before she squared her shoulders. She looked back up at the tall wizard and smiled at him. "All right."

And James laughed, the sound ridiculously happy and making Sirius's own mood dip in response as he thought of the wizard sitting beside him unwillingly. Remus's hand lifted off of his arm.

"Here, you can sit here," James said eagerly, waiting until the witch sat in the offered seat across from Remus and then sliding down beside her and grinning goofily at her as he switched out the half-loaded plate before her with an empty one.

"Hey Remus," Lily said nervously, smoothing her skirt.

Remus grinned at her, the expression not a little impish. "Hullo Lily."

Lily rolled her eyes and then met Sirius's still surprised one. "Hello Black," she said, but without any of the usual heat behind it.

Sirius grinned and took a bite of his roll. "Wotcher Evans," he said as he chewed, his tone amused, "slumming it, I see."

And Lily let out a laugh. "I suppose so," she said, and then she greeted a slack-jawed Peter before shifting her gaze back up to James, who was looking down at her with a look of complete adoration. "Maybe not so much though..." she said softly.

Sirius chanced a glance over at Remus and found himself looking into hazel eyes as James and Lily began a timid conversation. He felt an uncomfortable tug in his chest, the wizard's hazel eyes looking torn between emotions. "All right, Remus?" he asked in a private voice.

Remus nodded and shifted closer, his leg finding Sirius's once more, resting against it. He nodded. "Yeah, yeah I'm fine," he said and began to eat.

Sirius cleared his throat. "Good. Good." And he picked up his glass of pumpkin juice as he sat, the wizard's leg pressed snugly against his, somehow sending a warmth up through his entire body, and he couldn't bring himself to move away.


	11. Chapter 11

**- Chapter 11 -**

* * *

><p>Sirius rolled up his parchment, cast a silent sealing charm on it, and then stood up and walked out of his History of Magic class. He trailed down the mostly empty hallway alone. He was finished. He had taken his last Owl. Now he just had two more days at the school, and he'd be going home for the summer. He was still waiting on a letter from his parents to see if he could go home with James, but he wasn't overly-<p>

"Oi! Sirius, wait up mate!"

Sirius slowed his step at the sound of his best friend's footsteps, their thudding smacks increasingly loud behind him and then an arm slung around his shoulders. "Fifth year's finally over, can you believe it?" James asked excitedly, letting out a wild laugh as they began to make their way towards the staircase together.

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, I can."

James laughed and patted his cheek a little too hard not to qualify as a smack, making him clench his jaw. "Cheer up, mate! We're gonna have a blast at the party tonight and tomorrow is _Hogsmeade_!"

Sirius grinned begrudgingly. "Yeah, you and Evans, huh?"

James laughed again, and his arm fell from Sirius as he began to bound up the stairway, Sirius following less enthusiastically. "Yeah, I still can't believe she said yes after the last one, I'm not gonna mess it up this time though."

Sirius looked down at the stairs and nodded. "I'm sure you won't."

James's jumping stopped, and Sirius looked up at the sudden silence to meet concerned hazel eyes peering down at him. "Sirius, listen, I-"

Sirius laughed sharply. "Don't say it James." He picked up his pace when the stairs beneath him began to rumble tellingly, he and James moving to the next staircase before it could shift. He kept walking, gritting his teeth and forcing himself on when he felt like he could just sit down and stay a while.

"Pads." A hand landed on the wizard's shoulder, stopping him before he could move onto the last set of stairs. "You okay?"

Sirius avoided his gaze and nodded, lips pressed firmly between his teeth. "Yeah, I'm just tired." He pulled away from his friend's grasp and started up the stairs again. "Come on, Prongs."

* * *

><p>Sirius continued to nudge Greg up the spiral stairs to his dorm, the party below in the Gryffindor common room still in full swing, laughing as the wizard made a very poor attempt to resist. "Come on, no one will even notice we're gone for another few hours," he said in a low voice, nipping at the wizard's ear playfully. "You want it rough tonight, Zabini?" he purred when the wizard leaned back against him as he fiddled with the door handle to the fifth year dorm, his coordination not exactly what it usually was.<p>

"Yeah okay," Greg said with a grin, gasping when teeth clamped down on his neck. "_Fuck_, Sirius."

Sirius released the wizard's neck as he succeeded in turning the knob and pushed the door wide open. "You know-" he stopped, mouth and body freezing at the sight before him.

"Uh," Greg said, as Sirius continued to stare into the dorm. Remus was kissing the _witch_ Mary on his bed, the girl straddled over him in a short skirt. "Maybe we should go."

Sirius pushed around Greg. "_Remus?"_ he said, as he approached the wizard and witch. He frowned when a glassy-eyed Remus pulled away from kissing the blonde to meet his eyes.

"Sirius," the werewolf slurred with a welcoming smile, "I've missed you."

Sirius blinked a few times, pushing away the jealousy he felt clawing for his attention at seeing the blonde witch straddling him and instead focused on his confused expression. "Remus, are you okay?" he asked as the girl began to kiss his neck. He cleared his throat.

"Sirius, leave him alone," Greg said, coming up beside him and placing a hand on his shoulder. "He's having a good time, just leave it."

Sirius shrugged off the wizard's hand, his lips twitching as Remus laughed, and then the witch moved back up, and her lips were on his again. "Remus. I _need_ to talk to you for a minute," he said, pressing lips together tightly when the witch began to shift over top him and Remus groaned, the sound low and rough.

"Can it wait?" Remus asked, hands grasping the witch's slender hips and helping guide her movement. Sirius clenched his teeth, holding back what felt like a scream growing in his chest.

"Sirius, just leave-"

"_Fuck off_ Greg," Sirius snapped, cutting him off, grey eyes blazing as he met the Slytherin's surprised gaze. And he shoved him back a step, hard. "Just _fuck off_."

Greg blinked. "Wha-"

"You _heard_ me," Sirius growled. And he took a step towards the unmoving wizard. "Something's wrong with Remus, and I don't _need_ to hear your _fucking_ mouth-"

"Sirius stop. Stop, I'm fine." Remus's hand was on his shoulder, pulling him back and stopping his explosion. "I-just-I-I just..." The blond shook his head, looking unsteady, his shirt unbuttoned and face flushed. "I don't. Maybe." He staggered sideways, Sirius's hand grabbing him. "I don't feel so-so-" And then he dropped against him as his legs gave out, eyes falling shut.

"Remus?" Sirius asked in panic, as he pulled the limp wizard up against him. The werewolf's neck rolled to the side, and Sirius's heart jumped into his throat. He was okay. He was _okay_. He leaned down, his heart pounding as he wrapped one arm around the back of the wizard's legs, lifting him and carrying him over to his own bed. He lowered him carefully.

"Here, Sirius, let me ch-"

Sirius grabbed Greg's arm, pulling the wand he had pointed at Remus's chest away sharply. "No. _Don't_ touch him," he said, his eyes growing dark.

"Sirius." Greg blinked rapidly. "I. I was just going to check if he's okay."

Lips pulled back to reveal gleaming white teeth as he snarled at the wizard, "You think I'd _ever_ trust you to do that?"

* * *

><p>Sirius sat early Saturday morning, still in his slacks and black t-shirt from the night before, feet bare, threading exhausted fingers through sandy blond locks, the cold floor of the dorm's shared bathroom his resting place for the past eight hours. He'd had a lot of time to think. About things. About Greg. Grey eyes fell shut. After Sirius had made sure Remus was okay, just very pissed up, Greg had told him in no uncertain terms he was through with him, for good.<p>

He let out a whisper of a laugh when all he felt was numbness at the still fresh memory.

The Slytherin had been nothing but nice to him, was as fit as they came, and had been crazy for him and willing to support his ridiculous lifestyle - and he had fucked it all up, twice, and he couldn't manage to feel anything. Sirius tilted his head back, to rest on the stone wall behind him. He let out a heavy breath, and the wizard in his lap took that moment to groan and then he began to move, his eyes pinching as another groan left his cracked lips.

Sirius watched the wizard slowly push himself onto his hands and look around the room, his expression pained, stopping on the dark-haired wizard. "Sirius?" he whispered and then clenched his eyes shut again.

"Yeah, I'm here," he said softly.

Remus shook his head. He squinted blood-shot eyes. "Are we... in the bathroom?"

Sirius managed an almost smile. "Yeah. Sorry. You kept getting sick, so I finally gave up trying to leave."

Remus swallowed and then started coughing, the sound hoarse. "What happened?"

Sirius lifted his wand out to the sandy blond. "Here, I'm not sure where yours is. James is looking for it."

Remus dropped back into a sitting position and took the wand. He closed his eyes and sat quietly, his face paling. And then he took in a slow breath and lifted the wand to himself.

Sirius watched the wizard cast three spells and then hazel eyes opened, looking a lot better and much more coherent than they had in too long.

Remus held out his wand. "Thanks."

Sirius took it back and tucked it into his pocket. His gaze flicked down to his lap and then back up at the sandy blond, who was smoothing down his hair. "Feeling some better?"

Remus nodded and then looked down at his exposed chest and began to button up his shirt, a flush running up his neck suddenly. "We didn't uh.. Didn't-"

"No," Sirius said swiftly. He looked away. "I think you might be fighting a certain witch off for a while now though."

Remus frowned. "..._Witch_?"

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, Mary. You two seemed pretty happy with each other last night."

Remus groaned, his face falling into his hand. "Shit."

Sirius laughed, feeling anything but amused. "Don't worry, I don't think you two made it past kissing and groping."

Remus groaned again. "I remember that, why did I drink so much last night?"

Sirius shrugged as he chewed on the inside of his lip. "I don't know, Remus," he said finally.

Remus pushed himself up. He swayed slightly, and then took a step and then another until he was out of the room only to return a minute later with a change of clothes. "I made you miss Hogsmeade," he said quietly, "I'm sorry."

Sirius planted his hand and pushed himself from the hard floor, grimacing as his body ached from the long night. "Don't worry about it, I didn't want to go anyway."

"What about Greg?"

Sirius laughed. "Greg and I are over, Remus," he said, feeling morbidly amused over the end of their relationship, and a little sad just then, if the discomfort in his chest was any indication. "He dumped me. Again." He rubbed at the back of his head as he made his way for the door, avoiding the wizard's stare.

"Sirius, if I-"

"It wasn't your fault," he said, cutting him of, "Don't think it was." And then he stepped into the dorm to find his mother's favorite owl perched on one of the posts of his bed, a note attached to his leg.

* * *

><p>Sirius sat with red curtains pulled shut on his bed top, folding the letter he had just received neatly along pre-existing creases, the message ringing in his head unwanted in his mother's sharp tone. He wasn't allowed to stay at James's. At all. His mother said he had to be home all summer, what with his engagement plans and all. He sat, not breathing and then fingers slowly began to curl in and around the letter, crushing it.<p>

Engagement plans.

He wadded it up into a ball and then turned, looking on his bed, searching. "Where is it?" he grumbled, hands skimming under his pillow, coming up empty, and then he pulled up his cover. "Where the fuck is it?"

"Looking for this?"

Sirius stopped at his frantic searching to see Remus looking down at him quietly, holding his wand out in offering. "It was on the floor, you knocked it off a few minutes ago." Remus's gaze locked with his. "Everything okay?"

Sirius nodded curtly as he took the wand from the werewolf. "Yeah, I'm good." He sat back down and searched for the wadded piece of parchment.

"What'd your lovely mother have to say?"

Sirius looked up to find Remus holding the crumpled note. He held it out. "Knocked this off too."

Sirius took it, his fingers brushing Remus's as he did. "Nothing," he said, shaking his head. He placed the parchment on the bed sheet and then muttered a levitation charm under his breath to stabilize it a few inches above his covers. "She said nothing." He lifted his wand to cast the incendio charm but stopped when he realized the curtains were still drawn. "In or out, Remus," he said and then curtains fell shut behind the werewolf as he climbed onto the bed and took the opposite side, the parchment floating between them.

"She wrote you to say nothing?" Remus asked, his voice careful as he situated himself.

Sirius flicked his wrist and let the note drop once more onto the bed. He motioned at it with a look of distaste as if it were a dead rat. "See for yourself."

Remus reached out slowly, fingers wrapping around the wadded letter. He lifted it and began to smooth it out as Sirius sat quietly. Remus cleared his throat, and he began to read, running a hand up into sandy blond locks, and then his hand suddenly dropped, and he stared at the note, seemingly frozen.

Sirius laughed roughly.

"Is this how your parents talk to you?" Remus finally asked, his voice tense, strained.

Sirius shook his head. "No, they're a lot more polite in letters," he said, trying for humor but mostly failing. "And when they want something," he added under his breath.

Remus looked up at that. "Does your family usually get - engaged... at sixteen?" he asked, suddenly sounding a little off.

Sirius shook his head again and laughed, the sound hollow to his ears. "No, no it's usually at least twenty," he said and ran agitated fingers up into silky black locks, fingers wrapping tightly around them and tugging as he fought to keep from losing it. "I knew they'd ask me to at some point, but not. Not yet," he said quietly. He shook his head, the movement continuing as he thought. He wasn't ready. He wasn't ready to commit himself to a life he didn't even want. He would be miserable. A laugh escaped his lips. _She_ would miserable. He couldn't-

"Sirius. Calm down."

Sirius blinked a few times to see hazel eyes close as hands held his arms firmly. He shook his head, his thoughts feeling too unclear like they might float away, and his chest convulsed when he tried to swallow. "She just wants me miserable, there's no other reason, Remus," he said, feeling pathetic that it hurt to say. "I can't do it yet, I'm not ready..." He trailed off and laughed again, the sound desperate and pained and mocking how he felt just then.

Remus carefully wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close to him. "It'll be okay, Sirius."

"I can't do it, I don't care about Evie," Sirius said, his words growing only more pained. "I never will, I don't want to," he said, "They'll want children. Remus. I haven't even slept with a girl, what if I don't like it?" he asked, suddenly panicked. "What if I hate it? What if I can't do it?"

"Sirius." Remus pulled back to meet his gaze. And then he closed his eyes and let out an uneven breath. "Sirius. You won't hate it. You like girls."

Sirius shook his head. "But I don't want to have children with her, Remus," he said, "I don't even want kids, I'll just fuck 'em up."

Remus pulled him close again, and Sirius found his cheek resting on his shoulder, and he tried to focus on the rise and fall of his chest as it pressed against his on each exhale. Remus let out a heavy breath.

"That's not true, you're a good person, Sirius," Remus said softly, and then he shifted down onto the bed, Sirius following him as he refused to let go. He settled into his back, Sirius adjusting his arms so he could lay closer, and Remus ran a hand gently over black locks, smoothing them. "Can you say no?"

Sirius huffed a laugh. "Yeah, if I don't value what little sanity I have." Sirius's eyes widened in the darkened space, Remus's hand stilling on his head. Shit. Shit.

"What does that mean?"

Sirius licked his lips as he thought. "I, uh, I just meant-"

Remus sat up suddenly, Sirius falling to the side but catching himself. "They've crucio'd you?"

Sirius opened his mouth but couldn't seem to get the words out.

"Sirius," Remus said, more sharply, his voice shaking, "they've _crucio'd you_?"

Sirius felt his head shake.

"You're lying. James, he said before... But he never. He didn't." Remus cursed.

Sirius swallowed, his throat dry. "Remus, I'm sorry—"

"Don't, don't apologize," Remus said. And then his shoulders dropped along with his chin a few inches, a heavy breath sounding forced from his chest. "Sirius. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, I didn't know. I should have, but-"

"How would you know, Remus?" Sirius asked, cutting him off, embarrassment and discomfort making him feel angry. Angry at his parents and his life. But mostly just angry at himself, and he didn't know why. "It's not a big deal. I was fine, I came to see you and everything afterward-"

"Fine?" Remus said sharply, hazel eyes suddenly boring into his. "No Sirius. It _is_ a big deal. And if you had told me, I-I-" Remus's hand loosed on his arm, a look of realization dawning across his features. And then he asked, his voice breaking, "It was over Christmas?" Sirius looked down, not responding. "Shit Sirius, I've - I've been so hard on you," he said quietly, and let out a soft uneven breath. "I've - I've been _so hard_ on you this year."

Sirius didn't say anything, his eyes burning and his chest stinging. He blinked rapidly and shook his head, trying to rid himself of the feelings. "No, you haven't. You've just been yourself, I don't want anyone's pity." He moved to pull away but then hands were holding his face, and he froze, finding himself staring into blue and green and golden eyes that seemed to be truly looking at him for the first time in months.

"Sirius, I-," Remus paused, his eyes pinched in a look of pain, and then they slowly fell shut as he leaned forward, and captured Sirius's lips.


	12. Chapter 12

**- Chapter 12 -**

* * *

><p><em>"Sirius, I-," Remus paused, his eyes pinched in a look of pain, and then they slowly fell shut as he leaned forward, and captured Sirius's lips.<em>

Sirius's eyes followed suit, and his arms wrapped around the wizard on his bed. "Remus," he murmured, and then his arms tightened, greedily, and he was nudging the wizard's body down onto the bed with his own, his lips pressing firmly to his, his hands and mouth working on their own ahead of his disbelieving mind.

Remus's mouth opened when he landed, and Sirius groaned as his tongue touched his, and he slid hands up to the werewolf's neck, holding him close as he explored his mouth after so long, and then his lips moved to around his mouth, his jaw and—"Sirius, please."

Lips met again, and Sirius felt the wizard's lower body press up against his in a plea of sorts, and his breathing grew ragged and heart sped to a gallop. "Remus," he whispered, barely parting his mouth with the wizard's, "Do you want to?" He met hazel eyes.

Remus breathed heavily, his chest rising and falling rapidly under Sirius's. And he nodded. "I do. I do, Sirius. I just, I just don't want us to hurt each other anymore," he said.

Sirius closed his eyes. "I never want to hurt you, Remus," he said softly, his chest aching, "I'm so sorry."

Remus nodded. "I know. I know you don't. I just, I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I try to make the right decisions, but-" He leaned up to press his lips to Sirius's. "I don't want to be with anyone else." He kissed him again, more insistently. "Just you. Just you and me, and no one else, it's all I want."

Sirius nodded, wishing he knew how to fix who he was. He had been trying the first time to make him happy, to be loyal, and he wanted to promise the wizard he would do better if he gave him another chance, he wanted to say whatever he needed to get him to take him back.

"I—Remus—I don't know if I can do that," he admitted softly, forcing the truthful words out despite how unwieldy they felt on his tongue, "I might mess up again." He felt hands loosen on his shoulders, and dread shot through his veins, seizing his heart and wrapping around it, trying to suffocate him. "Don't give up on me, I _need_ you, Remus."

Remus closed his eyes tightly. "I won't. But I - I can't commit to you, not until you're ready this time."

Sirius swallowed hard, and he nodded and then dipped down to place a grateful kiss on the wizard's chin. "I still love you," he said, his voice low and rough, the inadequate words feeling like razors to his own heart. He pinched his eyes shut. "It's always just been you, Remus. No one else, I don't know what's wrong with me."

He felt the wizard's breath hitch underneath him and fingers slid up to settle on his neck. "Sirius, I love you too," was said and then he was pulled down to meet lips, and he shifted more on top of the wizard, and his own breath caught. "We'll figure this all out, I'll help you."

Sirius nodded rapidly, relief flooding into his very core, fingers lacing through sandy locks when a certain body part brushed his own, and he shifted and pressed his lower body against the sandy blond's. "Remus, I've missed you. So much. I've missed you _so much_," he husked. And then fingers were pulling at his hem, and tugging his t-shirt up and over his head. And he began to unbutton Remus's, the werewolf helping him pull the sleeves off and then hands were on his slacks, and he was nodding his assent. "Fuck," he hissed as working fingers grazed him, his excitement surging, and he was undoing Remus's slacks, his blood pounding in his veins, and then he was pushing down his own pants, warm fingers sliding down his bare chest, making it hard to breathe as he kicked out of his slacks before grabbing hold of Remus's and pulling them off too with a sharp tug, letting them drop off the side of the bed.

His heart pounded demandingly under a heaving chest as he held himself up on his hands and knees in only his boxers, and he scanned Remus's body intensely. It was perfect. _Remus_ was perfect. He swallowed hard as his chest fluttered, a sudden anxiety making it hard to think or move. Because he wasn't. He wasn't even close. He didn't deserve Remus, it was why he had lost him not too long ago. He flinched when a hand gently pressed to his cheek.

"Sirius, are you okay?"

Unsure grey eyes met intense hazel ones, and he hesitated, his fingers twisted in warm bed sheets as Remus's brushed his hair back on one side, his breath leaving him in shallow bursts. "Do you want this, Remus?" He watched hazel eyes slowly soften, and his chest clenched painfully. "Do you really want this?" he asked. "Me?"

"Sirius," Remus said, and his hands began to tug down Sirius's boxers, grey eyes falling shut. "I will always want you."

Sirius groaned as fingers began to slide along him. "Shit," he gasped, his body responding too eagerly. "Shit, Remus. Just-just give me a minute." The hand left him, and he forced his eyes to open and body to function, his own hands making quick work of Remus's boxers.

And then he slowed down, and he carefully lowered himself overtop Remus, hissing when he made contact. He tucked his face into the wizard's neck and began to slide himself gently against the wizard, trying to keep from finishing far too quickly. He placed a gentle kiss on Remus's neck and then his tongue reached out, tasting the skin just below his ear, and he groaned at the flavor, his hips still moving slowly as uneven breaths flitted across his ear. "You taste so good," he murmured, earning him a gasp, and Remus arched up against him. "You're so perfect, Remus. I love everything about you," he said, and hands grabbed onto Sirius's hips.

"Everything Remus." And then he began to move down, placing gentle kisses along scars instead of licks, down to the wizard's stomach, fingers trailing to hold him in place as he shifted even lower.

"Sirius," Remus gasped between parted lips, chest rising and falling like he was running and hazel eyes heavy as they peeked out between messed sandy locks. "What are you doing?"

Sirius licked his lips as his hand wrapped around the werewolf, who let out a low groan in response. "I want to apologize," he said simply, and then he leaned down and enveloped the sandy blond with his mouth, tongue sliding as fingers tangled in his hair, and he began to move over him, savoring the taste and feel and sounds he had thought lost to him for good.

* * *

><p>"You and Remus then?"<p>

Sirius stopped packing, shooting a glance over his shoulder to find James leaning in the doorway of the dorm Monday morning, looking uncharacteristically unsure. He shrugged and then leaned back over, tossing his stuff in without looking at what it was. He had skipped breakfast to pack at the last moment, he wasn't hungry. "Yeah, kinda I guess. Where're Remus and Pete?"

"Sirius..."

He looked back up to see James sitting down on the edge of his bed, his expression still annoyingly the same. "What James?"

The wizard grimaced and then said, "I just don't know if that's a good idea.. at the moment."

Sirius stood up slowly. "I don't remember asking for your permission."

James laughed, the sound tense, and he looked down at his lap as he scrubbed a hand roughly through wild locks. "Sirius, you just get so worked up over him. And Remus expects a lot."

"You think I'm not good enough for him?"

James looked up at that, his expression surprised. "Sirius, no," he said, standing up, shaking his head adamantly. "That's not what I mean at all, I just don't want to see you get hurt again."

Sirius nodded stiffly, looking away. He forced out a held breath, his jaw flexed. "I won't. I'll be fine."

James sighed and walked over to his side, placing a hand on his shoulder. "All right, Pads, if you say so, I'll leave it." The wizard peered down into his trunk. "So, you're coming to mine, right?" he asked.

Sirius cleared his throat and moved away, James's hand dropping. "Sorry, I can't. Parents said no."

"Come anyway."

Sirius looked up, and he spoke slowly, his tone edged with a barely contained tension. "I _can't_ James, didn't you just hear me?"

James stared at him for a long moment, his expression unaffected by his words. "Sure you can."

Sirius pressed his lips together, a hand running up into his hair, and his head flexing to the side in agitation. "_James_-"

"No Sirius, _listen_, I've already asked my parents," James said quickly, "They said you could stay with us... permanently, I mean. They said _yes_. You don't have to go back home."

Sirius clenched his jaw. He wanted to. "...I can't," he finally said. "I just can't."

* * *

><p>Sirius lay with eyes closed, his head in Remus's lap and mind a tired buzzing mess, consciousness slipping in and out of his grasp. He hadn't slept the night before even with Remus spending it with him. Fingers ran through his locks, the sound of the train doing its best to work against the relaxing touch but not quite succeeding.<p>

"Remus. You need to talk to him," was whispered harshly.

"I have James, and he told me the same thing," was said in a matching tone, fingers stilling in Sirius's hair. Sirius let out a heavy breath, the skin around the corners of closed eyes pinching and then fingers were moving again, and they smoothed. "He needs to make the decision himself, we can't do it for him."

"He's not thinking straight. You see how he comes back every year," was hissed. "Imagine how he'll be after this one... He'll be engaged." The last sentence was said like a threat, and Sirius felt the wizard he was resting on tense.

"You think I don't know that?" Remus said, his tone furious, and then he paused a long moment. "I did _all_ I could do, James. We just have to hope for the best."

Silence settled over the cabin, the only noise Peter's chewing and James flipping through cards angrily. Remus's fingers began to card through his hair once more. And Sirius let himself drift off.


	13. Chapter 13

Author's Note: Summer! Thank you _**cathartic**_ for adding description to this chapter, and thank you **_StableUnstable_** for pre-reading and reassuring me when I got all worried! And thank you _**writhen heart**_ for making me squeal with your story post! It is a day for thanks to be sure. Hehe.

* * *

><p><strong>- Chapter 13 -<strong>

* * *

><p>Sirius, it's good to have you home."<p>

The voice rang into the dimly lit room, resonating off of the solid wood floors and walls - so dark in color that they nearly looked black. An intricate chandelier hung over the center of the drawing room, its own complex design preventing it from providing efficient lighting.

There was a soft crackle of the fires lit in the chandelier to exacerbate the silence very briefly following the statement, and Sirius looked over his shoulder, eyes dragging along the walls of the room and away from the dark granite fireplace - from which the flames had just recently been extinguished, wisps of smoke still lifting into the air - to meet cool grey eyes.

"Father," he greeted and then looked back down to the tie he was adjusting, fingers tensing, as he shifted to face the wizard standing in the doorway. They had a dinner party in less than an hour, and his mother had insisted he attend even though he had only arrived home from the train station not a quarter hour before.

"How was your year?"

Sirius looped the green material once more before tightening the knot and smoothing it down straight, swallowing down the distaste at the color. "I've had better."

"I see. _Something_ bothering you, son?"

And Sirius looked up slowly, the suddenly colder voice setting off alarms in his head. "Yes. In fact there is." He licked his lips nervously as his father stepped inside the room, the door clicking shut behind him. "This engagement. I - it's too soon, father," he blurted, hoping for understanding where he had found it before. "I need more time."

His father looked around the impeccably clean room. "For what?"

Sirius blinked and cleared his throat, watching the older wizard begin to prowl around the room slowly. "Sir?"

His father stopped by the fireplace, his gaze cool, reflecting neither positively or negatively to his request. "Why do you need more time?" he asked evenly.

Sirius cleared his tightening throat again. "I'm only sixteen. No one else has gotten engaged at my age."

His father looked down at the mantle top, his expression thoughtful, and grey eyes landed on the letter Sirius had written Remus as soon as he had arrived. "It's only an engagement, Sirius. Nothing will be any different."

"But it will. I-" He stopped, his father's hand in the air, staying his words.

Orion reached out and lifted the folded note from the mantlepiece holding it up for Sirius to see clearly. "Afraid you'll upset someone?"

Sirius felt his heart jump into his throat. "No sir, I just-"

"Good," the older wizard said, cutting him off. And he turned fully towards Sirius, still holding the note. "The wizarding world is on the cusp of an upheaval, and it is imperative we maintain our status, your marrying the Greengrass witch will help secure our place." He flipped the note over, and studied the black wax seal idly as if he were considering breaking it. "Tell me, do you think I've asked too much from you over the years?"

Sirius blinked a few times. "No sir, but-"

"Have I not been fair with you?" he asked quietly, cutting him off, the words sounding nothing like a question. "Did I not look over your placing into _Gryffindor?" _Grey eyes hardened_. "_Have I _not_ given you complete freedom with your, what some—your mother included—would call _indiscretions_ over - and _over_ again?" His jaw clenched when Sirius remained silent. "Did I _not_ turn a blind eye on your continued _consorting_ with lesser wizards after _explicitly_ forbidding it?" His fist landed heavily on ungiving stone, punctuating the accusatory words, and his gaze flashed darkly. "I have gotten letter after _letter_ regarding detentions, and fights, and _frivolous_ pranks over the years," he said, his voice growing uncharacteristically sharp, "and I have let you have _free_ range of your money, and spend _more_ time at the Potter's than here most breaks." He paused. "_Now_. Have I _not_ been fair with you?"

Sirius swallowed hard. He nodded hesitantly. "Yes sir... I'm sorry."

"Then give me this, Sirius," his father said quietly once more, his eyes growing wide, and he took a step towards him. "Give me this _one_ thing, and I will continue to look over all of it, including your," he paused and held up the letter before continuing, his tone heavy with sarcasm, "your _budding_ relationship with your _dorm-mate_."

Sirius licked his lips, wishing he could reach out and grab the letter. How did he know? Had Regulus—"That's for James."

"_Don't_ lie to me," he growled, "I have asked _very_ little of you Sirius, and I have been _more _than generous. You _will_ do this for me," he said, placing the letter addressed to James against his chest a little too hard. "You will do this for _all of us_. And if you don't..." He shifted closer, his voice dropping as he held the note firmly over his pounding heart. "You won't be the only one who will pay." He stared into matching grey eyes. "Do you understand?"

Sirius felt a buzzing in his head, an odd mixture of emotions coursing through his body as his shoulders squared and jaw flexed, and he spoke up quietly, "Are you threatening my friends, father?"

The wizard smiled slowly. "No. Just one." He leaned in closer, and Sirius resisted the urge to move away. "The half-breed."

Sirius stood silently. The half breed. _The half breed_. "Don't... call him that," he said, his voice tight, and the emotions began to fall into each other, blending with each other and growing but not making any more sense as they whooshed in his ears, an electric current seeming to run over his muscles, making them want to twitch.

And Orion sneered. "Why not? Does it make you angry, Sirius? You should be grateful I've let this go on," he said, taking a step back and waving his hand in the air dismissively. "Your little _obsession_ with the beast."

Sirius swallowed hard, his heart's movement growing more violent inside his chest. "He's not a beast. He's a person. Just like us." And then his face slammed to the side, the blow from his father's hand heavy, making his ears ring, and he staggered a step. He resisted lifting a hand to cup his reddening jaw as he was pinned under a hateful glare, and a wand was pointed straight at his chest.

"Don't you _ever_ say such things to me again," the man snarled. "Do you hear me? You _will_ propose to the Greengrass witch, and soon, or you will break off all connections with the _werewolf_," he spat. "And if you disobey me, I will hunt him down. I will hunt him down like his kind should be, like my father did and my father's father. And _no one _will care."

Sirius stood in silence, fury and hatred rising inside him like a dizzying storm, bubbling alongside with an ice-cold fear, and he couldn't tell which emotion was stronger. He had seen him kill before, his uncle, and he hadn't given it a second's hesitation or shown any regret.

"_Sirius_."

Sirius met his father's icy gaze.

"Do you," the wizard asked quietly, grey eyes swimming in complete darkness, his wand still pointed at him, "understand me?"

Sirius dipped his chin just barely, the movement almost imperceptible. "I understand — sir," he said in a rough voice.

The wand lowered. "_Good_." His father took a step back. "You have until the end of summer."

Sirius watched as his father turned and strode from the room before crouching down slowly and picking up the letter he had written to Remus off the floor. He watched fingers smooth it out carefully, his mind feeling oddly blank.

And then an image of the wizard's soft smile and kind eyes pushed itself to the forefront, and he tried to picture how the sandy blond would respond when he told him he was engaged to be married. _Just you. Just you and me Sirius._ Remus's words whirled in his head as he slowly pushed himself up. _No one else, it's all I want_. He walked woodenly to the door, folding and placing the letter inside his pocket, and closing the door behind him silently.

* * *

><p>"Sirius? Sirius, what are you doing?"<p>

Sirius turned around as he stood in only a pair of James's gym shorts. He couldn't stand anything that belonged to him anymore, it made him feel a little crooked, not straight. Not right. He tilted his head loose-jointedly to one side.

"Sirius?"

He held up his hands, one holding a bottle of firewhiskey and the other a smoking cigarette, he gestured at the walls of his bedroom. "Decorating, it's a bit bland in here, with all the white, don't you think?" He tapped his cigarette, letting the ashes fall to the hardwood floor, and then placed it back between his lips. He picked up a motorcycle poster that reminded him of the one he had at school. He would be back there in two weeks. Hogwarts. Remus. He shook his head to clear the unwanted thought and stumbled sideways, catching himself on his nightstand before falling and knocking off a pile of unread letters.

"Whoops," he said around his cigarette as he righted himself, spilling a little of his drink in the process. "Where should I put this one, Reg? On the ceiling over my bed maybe?" He turned to show the wizard the picture, grinning salaciously when his thirteen-year-old brother's eyes widened at what he saw. He held it out at arm's length for closer inspection. "Ah, so you're into birds then? I should have figured. Y'want it?"

Regulus looked over his shoulder and into the empty hallway as if he expected someone to be there, and then back at Sirius. "You like birds too, Sirius," he said quietly - but with a tone like he was willing Sirius to agree. His expression was wide - ever the prodigious good child.

Sirius shook his head as he took a deep drag, he blew it out into the room, smiling widely as it filled the once pristine space. It was stagnant before, suffocating, _he_ had been suffocating all summer, but now... Now it was chaos, just like him.

It fit.

"Sirius, you're going to the party tonight... with Evie, right?" Regulus asked as he approached him with a wary expression. "And do what father asked of you."

Sirius let out a barking laugh and took a large swig. Proposal. Evie. Weddings. Remus. "Not hardly. She hasn't got a cock, Reg."

Regulus's expression grew grim, making Sirius laugh even harder. He really was too serious for his taste. It was good that they had grown apart. He didn't need him, he didn't need anyone.

"Sirius, you're just drunk. I'm going to get you a sobering potion."

Sirius let out a sharp laugh and grabbed his brother by his shirt when he made to turn away. "No. No, I _won't_ drink it," he said, suddenly not happy but angry, very angry. He pulled him closer, snarling at his younger brother, alcohol-tinged breath making the thirteen-year old flinch. "You think I'm going to do that sober? Do you think I _could_?" he asked, his hand tightening around the material.

"Sirius, I don't-"

"-You're fucking wrong. This is _why_ I'm drinking, Reggie," he hissed. "I'm trying. I'm trying _so fucking hard_. I'm always - _always_ trying," he said, his words suddenly trembling slightly, because he didn't want to try anymore. He paused, breathing in as his mind snapped back a little. He swallowed, collecting himself as much as he could and released his brother's shirt, realizing how insane he must sound.

He took another drink before setting it down and walked back over to look down at the posters spread out on his bed. He'd had a long summer. He picked up a Gryffindor one he hadn't bought, tracing the capital 'g' with his pointer finger. James must have. James, he was probably with Remus and Peter right then. Remus. He lifted the House poster and charmed it to the wall over his headboard with the sticking charm he and James had found. His parents would loathe it, just like they did him. He felt sorry for it.

"Sirius, I'm - I'm worried about you. You haven't been right all summer."

Sirius's shoulders shook, he found the statement oddly funny for some reason. But not really. More so sad. A bubbling laugh escaped his lips. He was so confused. He reached a hand up, fingers lightly touching the edge of the proud red banner on his wall. Maybe it would have been better if he had been sorted into Slytherin. He belonged there, he had no courage. Maybe that was where his life had started to go wrong. He wished he could talk to Remus, but he couldn't. "Remus is going to hate me," he said in response, voicing the only thought that was still constant in the jumbled mess that was his mind. He would hate him once he found out he had proposed to Evie, he knew he would. He didn't fault him though. He hated himself for it. "He doesn't know it yet, but he will, and then I'll be all alone."

"Your friend Lupin? Why would he hate you?"

Sirius shook his head. He should have known it would come to this one way or another. He dropped his hand, swiping up the firewhiskey and taking a drink. Maybe it was for the best. If it had happened after they had been back together longer, it would have hurt more—his chest ached—if that was even possible. "I love him," he whispered, because it was true, he had to despite how fucked up he was, there was no other explanation, "I love him, Reg, I don't want anyone else." A hand was pushing his face up, his chin having been resting almost on his chest.

"Sirius, don't _say_ things like that." Worried grey eyes stared up at him, the emotion in them nearly foreign - until he remembered they belonged to his brother. "Mum and Dad might hear you," Regulus continued, "and they will _not_ let you off easy. Do you hear me? Not to mention what they would do to Lupin. Just pull yourself together for tonight."

Sirius felt himself nodding. He sniffed and his chest heaved. His nose was runny. He rubbed at it and then his cheeks. His hand coming back wet. "Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Forget I said it." He turned away from his brother and wiped at his face roughly again before grabbing another cigarette from the pack on his bed. He needed to get himself together. For Remus. He lit the fag and then took a deep drag. He missed Remus.

He picked up another poster, eyeing a row of tan bikini-clad muggle girls lying in a row on a white sand beach on their stomachs, obviously topless. "This one can go over the mirror."

* * *

><p>MERRY CHRISTMAS! Unless you don't like Christmas. And in which case, HAPPY DAY!<p> 


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